Empathy

In the context of how people are so different as I wrote in my post Judgment on August 1st , I have come to accept that some people don't have the capacity for empathy.  Rather than categorize them as being mentally ill - I recall that lack of empathy is a symptom for mental illness - I feel sad for them.  My guess is that most people avoid them.  It is hurtful to encounter them in life. It is particularly hurtful when one of these people is a family member.

My older brother and I were talking about my job prospects last week.  Out of nowhere (since I had not mentioned the topic nor did I intend to do so) he said that his money was tied up, that he couldn't lend me any.  I was so shocked at his comment that I didn't say anything.  In reality, I don't feel comfortable asking for help of any kind and I have a problem receiving in general (that is an issue I have to conquer).  In fact, I have never asked or received money from anyone in my family.

I just wrote about judgment earlier this week so I will refrain from judging him.  All I can say is how different we are.  I also have to say that his attitude is hurtful as well as very unappealing to me.  He has consistently acted this way.  I find it hard to want to spend time with him.  In my cellular structure, I am of the belief that if I am able to I give help without waiting to be asked, especially if it's a family member or a close friend.  The only condition I give myself is that I have to be well first to be able to help others.

I remember being inspired when reading Victor Hugo's The Hunchback of Notre Dame as a little girl, someone in that novel (I haven't read it since then so I don't recall the name of the character) was willing to give his life for someone else.  That may be an extreme act but I remember it was very inspiring to read about such a selfless and giving act.  I would consider doing something similar if and when I'm ready to go to the other side.

On the flip side, I have a friend who is the opposite of my brother.  She's at the other extreme.  She will help everyone and compromise herself constantly as a result of that.  That is also not helpful to her and sometimes, it's also not helpful to the people she is trying to help.  They end up depending on her for everything while they could be learning to fend for themselves, learning to be independent.  My friend ends up putting herself in highly pressurized situations financially and otherwise.  She doesn't have to be constantly struggling as a result of giving too much of herself and her resources.

There is nothing better than being self-sufficient and independent.  At least for me.  My grandmother always talked about that. She felt it was not appropriate for a woman to be asking her husband for money for her essential needs or for anything.  She felt women should have their own money and buy whatever they want and when they want it.   I know she was talking about women within our culture and background that have the opportunity to study and the opportunity to work. Not all women are so lucky.

In the end, we will all behave as our nature dictates.  In my case, had my brother given me some empathy and words of encouragement that would have gone a long way to help me.  Yes, winning the lottery would also help but I'm not counting on that!

So when a friend or family seems in trouble, suggest you start by being empathetic...