Truth

This is a truly infinite topic.  It has endless angles.

There is the aspect of truth that is about our truth, who we think we are and what we think we strive for and motivates us.  Then there is the aspect of truth of how people see us.  Do they see us for who we are or do they have an impression of the personae that we project, never truly being able to understand who we are?  And then there is the whole concept of what is real versus of what is not real.  The whole thing is very, very, complex.  Someone used to tell me:  "There's your truth, there's the other person's truth and then there's the truth".   To summarize, truth is quite elusive.

I go back to what I raised in my post, What is Real? posted on July 8th.  As I told my very best friend in the world "probably one thing we can count on as being real are our feelings". That means we have to trace back our feelings to the source.  Do we feel hurt because the person involved has been showing consistent disregard for who we are and we have reached our limit?  Or does it remind us of how we were treated by our parents when we were growing up - largely ignored?  The possibilities of the source of our feelings are endless.

It doesn't really matter.  The source is irrelevant.  It is impossible to trace back to the origin of our feelings.  Was it the nun that berated me for stealing a book I didn't steal when I was five years old?  That is an endless investigation that would drive anyone crazy.

So what's important is to feel.  To feel the hurt and to feel the joy and to feel the disappointment.  And to know that it's real.  And to honor that.  To feel is a luxury in itself.  With all the stimulation around us, it's hard to distinguish what we feel as human beings with what we are "encouraged" to feel by what the media presents to us on a daily basis.

Feel.  You are alive.  What a wonderful gift.  You can deal with anything if you choose to do so.  And, most important, be optimistic about your life.  It's all about building.  Building relationships, building confidence within yourself and building your life based on how you deal with your reality  today.

That's what I'm doing.  Stay tuned.

I Am

My birthday was last week.  I love my birthday despite the fact that the numbers seem to consistently go up.  I have decided that from this birthday on, my numbers are moving downwards, not upwards!  After all, it's my birthday!

I have had many existential dilemmas lately. I usually wonder about things like what am I doing here and why does this happen now, where will I be next year, etc., etc.  Basically, I am trying to find some logic to life and I mostly come up empty handed.  I explore unconventional avenues to find out more about the unknown believing that there is so much more out there that we may access for guidance.  Nonetheless, I still swim in murky waters when it comes to having a clear picture of my life and all of its complexities.

So I try to live day-by-day.  That seems much easier than trying to predict the future, even if we are talking about next week.

Going back to my birthday.  I decided to have a peaceful picnic by myself.  My family invited me to dinner that night and I wanted to just sit by the river - my most favorite place in the world is in front of a river or an ocean - and read the New York Times in the afternoon.  You would think you can't do that in New York but New York has everything!  Including the possibility of sitting by the river.  So wonderful!

Of course, a celebration would not have been complete for me unless I had a chilled rosé wine and ate a delicious lobster roll.  I could see boats of all sizes and colors parading their sails as peacocks parade their beautiful tails.  It was perfect.

Then the phone rang,   A very dear friend was calling me to congratulate me on my birthday from a far away land.   When we hung up, I realized that I exist to a great degree because I exist for my friends and family.  Not only because they care about me but because they remember me and they bring me into their lives.  I also exist for them when I bring them into my life when important things happen or simply when they reach out to me for help and I am there.  Present.

Still so much to figure out.  Understanding how I exist in my family's and friend's lives extends my sense of being to a degree I wasn't conscious before.  It makes me feel immortal in some ways because I'll always exist in their lives even though once I go to the other side I will pick up a different communication line other than the phone.  It will be a more direct and more constant way of communicating.  They will hear me if they pay attention.

How great is that?

I am sticking around in this planet to find out what comes next and where I make my mark in this world although I vividly remember how the other side is such an amazing place.  I still remember my pink elephants, and the infinite beauty of an endless garden with flowers of all colors and types.  I also remember all those crystal buildings with light shining from and through them (please read Pink Elephants posted on February 24th).  I have two earthly feet planted firmly on this planet and one spiritual foot here while my other spiritual foot is definitely home.  Not rushing to get there but it feels good to know it's there.

Always There

By Ruth Thompson

Lately I have had opportunities to appreciate how much I am protected from above.  My angels are the Archangels that are present in my life and my guardian angels that help me along the way.  I also have guides that are friends and family that are on the other side but that remain very connected to me.  I am very grateful for everyone's presence and help.

I have been feeling very protected.  I was experiencing quite a bit of turmoil and disruption and feeling exposed and vulnerable.  Unsafe.  Now I know I am protected.  I am extremely thankful not only for the protection I know I have but for being aware of it.  Being aware makes all the difference in the world.

Once I realized that I was surrounded by this wall of protection, I felt relaxed.  I went through weeks of being so relaxed I was unable to make decisions.  I have now assimilated the awareness of this layer of protection  in my life in a different way, in a very direct way, and I am able to move forward.  Having protection doesn't mean one waits without doing anything.  I am still accountable and responsible for my life.  Now I have a path, confidence and I am mostly optimistic. About 90% optimistic.  That is a high percentage considering the much lower numbers prevalent just a few weeks ago.

I can face anything.  I am protected. We are all protected.  It's very important to keep that in mind even in our moments of doubt.

How do we know that what is around the corner isn't so much better than what we have in our lives today?  I am willing to bet everything that it will be better.

Thank you, beautiful angels!

What is Real?

I was with one of my dearest friends the other day.  I don't quite remember the overall context of our conversation but whatever it was, I felt compelled to remind her that only our feelings are real.

In the midst of so much that goes on with our lives, it is hard to find the compass to let us know in which direction we should go towards.  It is not just about what happens in our lives, it is also about what goes on around us.  And there is a lot that is going on around us right now.  Just listening to the news reminds us of the mass confusion that exists. Whether it's about jobs, about climate change, about wars, about the dire financial predictions about Greece, etc., etc.  It is endless.  And sometimes it feels that we are at the edge of something yet to happen.  It's hard to assimilate all that goes on around us.

The one thing we may trust are our feelings.  At least for the most part.  I don't want to be contradictory but  I must clarify that we may trust our feelings when we are conscious human beings that are clear and mature about who we are and what we want.  I know, it's very frustrating.  How do we know when we are clear and being mature versus following raw desire or just fear?  With all the artificiality that technology has brought on, how many times do we need to pinch ourselves and others to make sure we are having a real experience/

For me, yoga helps.  It helps to get clarity of mind and thought.  And also helps me to recognize fear from my own truth.  At least most of the time.

Sometimes the answer lies in being able to distinguish between fear and desire.  Didn't Buddha state that we must be free from both? Mostly, it's about knowing who we are and what are the forces we inherited - or should I say baggage we carry? - versus our real, true, selves that we must honor.

Ah, the magic of living.  Much to live, much to discover, many roads to travel...endless questions.  Few answers.

Brothers Karamazov and New York...

World Trade Financial Center

I walked past the World Trade Financial Center this afternoon. It has a little harbor which is beautiful.  I have seen the most spectacular boats there.  From Johnny Depp's boat to smaller, elegant, simple, sailing boats. There are also some boats that are so big they practically take over the small harbor.  If you read my blog you know I have a thing for boats.

I hang around the port hoping to be invited for a ride.  Someday...

I was just walking along the river and noticed there were a couple of things going on.  There are always things going on in New York.  There was a filming crew setting up near the volleyball court and then there was a band rehearsing closer to the World Trade Financial Center.  I asked what film was being filmed and seems that tomorrow Project Runway will be filmed there.  Project Runway is a TV show about aspiring clothes' designers.

I then walked back to where the band was rehearsing and found out that the wonderful River to River program had brought the band Ivan & Alyosha to New York from Seattle. River to River is a program that promotes the arts and provides all kinds of free activities to New Yorkers and tourists by the river.  It is sponsored by private companies associated with the World Trade Financial Center.  There are concerts, ballets, theater, etc., etc. throughout the summer.  It's a lot of fun.  I decided to stay and listen to Ivan & Alyosha even though the weather in New York has been deplorable.  It's been very humid with constant thunderstorms.  After having the worst winter ever it's hard to complain but hoping it improves!


The band's name was inspired by a conversation between Ivan and Alyosha in Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov during which they discuss the existence of God.  


For your pleasure:  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40eP9Wsfphg


You may also go to their website for more music (www.ivan&alyosha.com) and download their songs via iTunes.  

Ivan & Alyosha — New York, June 22, 2011

Love II

Today I feel full of love.  I feel my heart has expanded to give to all.

First time I wrote about love was in my post on March 21st, on Love.  My attempt to write a poem.

This is not necessarily towards anyone in particular but it is towards everyone.  Much love and compassion to everyone out there.

It's so much easier in life to live in the kingdom of love.  It is a warm place.  It is cuddly.  It is so cozy. It makes me feel wonderful.  Powerful.  Infinite.  Generous.

Love has no boundaries.  It goes across religions, race, gender...any differences are inconsequential.  Love is pure and it touches all of us.

To the world at large, much love to you all.  We will all succeed at what we want to do. Keep the focus on your passions, identify clear goals, work hard to achieve them, have faith...and it will happen!

You can make it happen.  You will make it happen.  Most of all, have faith in yourself. 

Privacy

Writing about privacy is something I have thought about doing many times.  Today is the day.

I have been a devoted Internet user practically from its inception.  It is an easy way to access information and learn about all kinds of topics of interest.  However, I also find that the Internet has resulted in rampant violations of privacy by its millions of users whether they are government institutions, corporations or individuals.

I saw a video last week about a woman that had an angry reaction towards an employee of a transportation company.  Clearly she did not handle this interaction in a constructive and graceful manner.  Her name is now all over the Internet.  The worst part about this incident is that there are no standards to prevent her being maligned and slandered by people that use anonymous handles to speak their mind or just spread stories about her.  What resulted were insults about her nationality and her appearance that seem endless.  Very few comments have been constructive.  Today I read an article in the New York Times about someone being maligned by a competitor online.  While he sued the site for damaging his reputation, the court apparently upheld the notion that because the competitor owned the site but didn't write the content, he did not have grounds to sue.  At least the site apparently was shut down but that was after publishing what the plaintiff stated were lies about him and his employees.

It is telling of how little we have evolved as human beings and tools like the Internet are making that more apparent.  Where is compassion in all of this?

Regarding the video of this woman, what she said or how she said it is not the issue.  That is between the transportation authorities and her.  What is disturbing is the intrusion of having someone video tape you at a most unflattering moment and having that video go viral.  And having the entire world weighing in and sharing information about you.

What is privacy?  To me, it's those areas of your life that you choose not to share. It doesn't matter what these are, it's about being able to keep something to yourself for whatever reasons.  There is less and less of that nowadays.  Someone that is able to video tape me at whim should be illegal.  I know that would not make You Tube very pleased but there have to be some laws to protect one's privacy.  I have nothing against broadcasting with the proper level of permission from individuals.

Per www.privacy.org, the White House website now uses cookies that track users for up to two years (used to be single-session cookies which were deleted when users closed their browsers).  There is no way to opt out of receiving cookies.  This is despite the fact that (also per an article in www.privacy.org) a "new survey from the Center for the Digital Future at the University of Southern California found that almost half of Americans over 16 who use the Internet are worried about businesses watching their online activities. Only 38% worried about the Government doing so".  I am generally worried about anybody infringing on my privacy.  Anybody.  And that includes someone I know going through my drawers or reading my papers at home.

The Internet is a tool that provides everyone with a lot of power.  The US Senate (under the sponsorship of Senator Leahy) is proposing a bill that doesn't quite answer my privacy concerns but it's a start.  However, considering there is not proper legislation to truly protect privacy,  the alternative is to hope that people are compassionate and graceful to those whose mistakes become glaringly obvious to the world as a result of the Internet.

While the Internet gives each one of us a lot of power there is even more power within each and every one of us.   Using that power to help others and to shed the light around us is a way to make this world a better place.  I'm determined that if I make a comment on a blog or an article online it will be with that purpose in mind.  

Hands

There is something about the hands of people I love that inspires me to record those images in my memory bank.

I was taking a walk to get my favorite soup for lunch today and I started to think about the hands of my father.  He died a couple of years ago.  I don't know what triggered the memory.  His hands were absolutely beautiful.  He had very fair skin and they always were very clean.  I felt protected when I saw his hands although he didn't hold my hand very often. As I remembered his hands, I thought of how he did his best to be the head of the family and steer us all in the right direction.   All the pressure was on him because my mother also relied completely on him.  With such free spirits as his daughters, it was difficult for him to do much more than instill his values as the guiding light for our lives.  He definitely succeeded in doing that - although his bar was so high that sometimes my sister and I wonder whether we could be a little less strict and demanding of ourselves.

As I continued to walk, I also remembered my grandmother's hands.  She had warm and perfectly manicured hands always and, as I describe in my post titled The Ring on March 24th, she usually wore a ring that I thought was the most beautiful ring in the world.  I still think that.  Whenever I sat with her as a little girl, I would hold her hand and not let go of her hand for ours as we sat during family get togethers.  Being next to her, was the safest and most loving place to be in her entire house.

As I recalled my mother's hands, I felt sad.  She had hands that needed comfort and protection, especially since she was very ill during the last months of her life.  She had childlike hands, very expressive.  They were constantly moving.  She was very conscious that her intellect, her charm and her mannerisms could convince almost anyone of anything so she used her hands to her advantage.  She was the strongest person I ever met.  A nurse that came to visit her during the last month of her life said that my mother acted as if she was a queen.  I told the nurse, "She is a queen".  That's who she was.  As I looked at her hand in my hand a few hours before she died, I thought her life went by so fast.  It just flew by.  When I remember her hand that day it motivates me to think about my life and my priorities.

Nearing my delicious lunch place, I thought of Tim's hands.  He was my very best friend.  He had long fingers, a very elegant hand.  His hand was constantly tanned because he lived in a tropical city.  He had fingers of a pianist which is not coincidental because he wanted to play the piano his whole life.  He learnt to play as an adult out of sheer passion for the instrument and its sounds. Whenever he was in New York, we went to Carnegie Hall to hear Yevgeny Kissin or any other brilliant pianist in that league.  I can see his right hand distinctly, shifting gears, as he drove me everywhere when we started working together a few years ago.  Remembering his hand gives me peace.  It warms my heart to know that he can hear Beethoven and Mozart and many other amazing pianists whenever he wants to now.

I then thought of Lily's hands.  Lily is a little over a year old and she's my niece.  She's the most lively little girl I ever met.  She's already talking non-stop although no one can understand her.  She is also walking and dancing.  Always smiling and cajoling, much like my mother used to do.  She has very little hands which she is constantly clapping with joy.

I don't know why I thought about hands.  Maybe because they give and say so much even while remaining silent.     

Music and boats...

A boat in Punta del Este, Uruguay

I am very grateful that music exists.  Probably since anyone heard the wind and the sound of the waves for the first time, those sounds and others were the inspiration to create music.  It's also safe to assume that love inspired musicians early on to create something that would express their innermost feelings as they dealt with love in their lives.

Music has a way of stirring my emotions more easily than most artistic endeavors - I am able to appreciate the beauty of a painting or a sculpture but even the most beautiful works of art don't come close to what music makes me feel inside. Music is also evocative, it is able to take you back to memories that were seemingly under lock and key in the archive called "the past".

Last week I went to a live concert with a friend at The Mercury Lounge.  The Mercury Lounge is in the lower east side in New York City.  It's a very cool venue, very unassuming.  It doesn't try to be anything else than what it is - a place for live bands or solo singers to play their music.  Sometimes they are unknown artists and other times they bring very famous artists.  There are very few seats so most people stand in front of the stage for the various concerts which usually last a couple of hours.  The singer was James Vincent McMorrow.  A genius.  I'm buying his music through iTunes before the week is over.  One of the songs was about losing love...somehow, the lyrics and the music brought me back to a relationship I had a few years ago.

Peter and I were in New Zealand, traveling throughout the country and having a great time.  We had been going out for a few months and ours was definitely a relationship based on adventure.  We met in New York at the beginning of the summer and traveled almost every week-end to Cape Cod.  We went to Nantucket and to Martha's Vineyard.  We fell in love with Cape Cod but we weren't necessarily in love with each other. We loved being together but ours was a relationship in progress.

After a few months we decided to go to New Zealand and to Tahiti.  We met in New Zealand - he was assigned there for a few months after the project he ran in New York - and we traveled from Wellington to other towns.  I remember one day we decided to walk an absurd number of miles on a remote beach - I don't recall exactly how many miles we walked but we walked for one entire day.  Our relationship and our lives changed completely after that long walk.

I found out that Peter thought we could have an open relationship while he traveled all over the world on various assignments.  I knew that an open relationship would not be good for me.  I understood then and now that he needed to be free but while I wasn't ready to get engaged I also didn't want to be someone waiting for him to show up in New York as if I represented the next port of call.  I didn't know where our relationship was going  before this trip nor was I pressuring Peter to define it but that walk gave us the time and the space to talk about it.

When I heard James McMorrow sing one of his songs about losing love last night, I saw myself in the beach again, walking endlessly.  No one was in the beach except for Peter and me and maybe one or two other people at times while we kept walking.  It was the end of the fall but it was still a little chilly.  I remember there were reddish cliffs on one side and the endless beach in front of us.  The song brought me back to that moment.  It was a painful and beautiful experience at the same time.

The power of a song.  Brought back bittersweet memories.  Peter called me when he returned to New York a couple of years later but I wasn't interested in rekindling our relationship.  It was over for me.

Songs bring back a lot of memories and stir emotions for me.  Last week, one of James Vincent Morrow's songs was the catalyst for my memories of Peter in New Zealand.  I hope he's doing well and is happy...

Following is one of the two songs that reminded me of Peter,  "If I had a Boat".  Peter is a businessman who loves to sail.  Both the music and the lyrics are beyond beautiful.  All of the songs James Vincent McMorrow's played last week at The Mercury Lounge, were hauntingly beautiful.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH5NAuHjzv8

Healing

Sand Mandala

Life presents a few twists and turns to us that we need to assimilate, process and heal from - sometimes healing takes a long time.

The more unexpected things happen to me the more I understand the need to take the time to heal.  It's not easy.  Sometimes it seems easier to sweep it under the proverbial rug but one day I know I'll wake up and see a mountain of dirt under the rug.  It's much more difficult to get rid of that than to confront all experiences even those that are tough.

I have focused on working on myself every time I have had a tough experience.  Some of those experiences are not as bad as others.  First, I assimilate the experience and that in itself takes time.  Just to be able to accept the new reality has its own process.  Then I try to figure it out, sometimes realizing that it's not an intellectual challenge, it's an emotional one.  Yet my mind tries to figure it out anyway.  Then I do yoga, I do meditations, I talk to my friends and family...I deal with it until I get tired of the subject and don't want to talk about it anymore.  Then I know that I've dealt with it sufficiently.  Sometimes I have leftover dreams - or more like nightmares because in some way I have to relive what happened - and I know it's my subconscious still working things out.

I also realize that everyone has different levels of bad experiences.  My bad experiences pale in comparison to horrendous experiences others have had.  But I am only able to measure the depth of my experiences based on what I have experienced in the past.  That is my measuring stick.

I'm healed.  I still have enough faith and innocence to not be cynical and to always expect the best in others and of life.  That's the gift that taking the time to heal yields.  Priceless.

Expanding

I went to a yoga class yesterday.  One of the exercises was to envision being in space.   The vastness of space reminded me how broad we really are and how we keep limiting ourselves.  I limit myself more often that I want to.  When I become aware of it, I focus on expanding.

Expanding sometimes involves just thinking of the opposite of what I think I want.  For example, as some of you know, I am weighing the option of staying in New York or moving to Brazil.  While I was originally strongly leaning towards New York I also let myself be open enough to entertain the thought of how much I would also enjoy Brazil.  Being the adventurer that I am, it is an attractive option.  I have very close friends in Brazil.  I love the language, I love the people, what's not to love?  However, right now, New York seems a better option in terms of getting a job offer in the near term.  Since I started out putting effort towards getting a job in Brazil and only recently New York seems to be on track to manifest, I feel I gave both cities equal chance.  I am letting the chips fall where they may.  

Expanding is about becoming more and more aware and conscious so that I may catch myself when I'm limiting myself unnecessarily.  Being close to nature helps me because I see how limitless nature is.  Nature keeps renewing, keeps growing, keeps changing...but its essence is always there.  Just like I do.  The ocean is constantly vast, keeps moving, keeps changing and is always there.  I'm very close to the ocean.  The ocean lives within me in the same way that space and the heavens do.

Expanding is also about being creative.  Engaging in creative activities no matter what they are.  I wrote about Inspiration on May 13th, and being inspired and creating something as a result of that is one way to touch the heavens.  To touch that aspect of ourselves that is not only limitless but where we may feel our pure and crystal spirits strongly.

I am limitless.  I just need to remind myself to use my soul to shine light on my path.

My World

It's an amazing world.  Not perfect, but it is mine.  It has almost everything one may want.  A great home, nature close by, a city where anything is possible and where culture abounds.  Friends and family in many cities close and far.  Food in the refrigerator is plentiful and the sun sets every day right in front of my eyes.  I am working on two major projects, getting a job and creating my own company and some limited engagements.  A life where I focus on living from my heart and mostly achieve that.  A life where I am able to pursue my passions and dreams if I give myself the time for it.  A life where I am free to think, say and do pretty much what I want on a daily basis.  Life is good.  No complaints from this corner.

To create a new world is a decision I could make at any point.  I have done that before and there were some good things but also great risk.  I love risk and adventure but somehow feel like putting a stake in the ground (unless I am windswept) and continue to build something in the world I am in already.

I can't help think about people that were literally windswept by a tornado recently or affected by an earthquake or a tsunami.  Their worlds changed in an instant.  From one moment to the next, they lost their homes, their loved ones, their neighbors...but they didn't lose themselves.

As we all go through major changes that's a very important thing to remember.  We may lose possessions, we may lose loved ones but we have ourselves.  We are strong, we are resilient, we will endure and overcome anything.  And we can teach others to do the same...until we can't do it any longer.  For now, we exist and we are at the core of our worlds irrespective of what surrounds us and what affects us.  We can get through everything and anything.

Faith. Strength. Courage.

No Regrets

No regrets sounds like the title of a movie except that I haven't seen the movie.  I live it.  

I have recently had a chance to review my life because I have made tough and courageous decisions to protect my integrity and to follow my heart.  I know these were the right decisions but in some ways they also brought me to the edge of the abyss.  On one side of the road lie lots of opportunities and on the other one there is a deep hole where I can't even see the ground.  There are a lot of clouds (that's how high in the mountain I am) below me on this side of the road.   On the other side of the road, I don't know whether I'll find the gate of opportunities open although I have been walking for months to find it.

It's been a tough road and a great one at the same time.  A tough road because I have been living in a mix of hard work, hope, and disappointment since I started this trek.   Some people have disappointed me again and again.  Others are consistently amazing and helpful to me.  I keep finding that what prevails in organizations is a general malaise comprised of lack of business ethics and caring about others.  While that is a reality, just like I focus on finding the open gate of opportunities instead of looking at the darkness on the other side of the road,  there are also incredible people in those organizations as well.

I remember coaching someone that worked for me on why disclosing others' personal information gained as a result of work was not acceptable.  I told him that it was a matter of integrity although it seemed that integrity had different definitions in this team that I was not aware of - and his response was focused on yes, there is more than one definition of integrity.  I was being facetious when I said there may be more than one definitions of integrity than what I knew.  I only  have one definition for integrity and I will stick to that.  Integrity to me is consistently being honest and true to yourself and others.  That covers everything.  

I believe it all starts at home.  Kids learn early on what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable.  Lying to your parents or to teachers is not acceptable.  Cheating is not acceptable.  Telling on your friends should not be acceptable unless one finds out they may be planning something destructive.

So while my decisions have always been on the side of my truth and integrity so far the price I have paid has been high.  I would do the same things again because I have to live with myself.

I love living on the edge.  I wonder how many of my decisions are propelled by my need to be a peaceful warrior and also be on the edge.

Let's see how this movie ends...

I Believe

I am not writing in this post about any religious beliefs or any ingrained beliefs about any specific topic.  This post is about how important is to believe in yourself.  Being successful in life requires that you have unwavering belief in who you are and what you are able to do with your life.

How our external life develops is about what we believe about ourselves.  Sometimes we lose hope and perspective even though what carries us through to success are our beliefs.  It is about the level of faith we have in ourselves and a given outcome.  It's similar to what I was saying in Winning, my post of March 29th, only it's harder to identify because it's happening at an unconscious level.  The challenging part is that we are often unaware when our internal tape is saying something different from the life we are trying to build.

So when nothing happens we blame it on everything except with how we may be thinking about ourselves.  Granted, there may be other forces at work.  There may be an astrological issue such as Mercury Retrograde going on or even the fact that not everything we go after is good for us.  Sometimes things not working out as we want them to is a blessing in disguise that we may or may not appreciate after the fact.  However, in some instances, we may be sabotaging ourselves by not projecting the right energy to the universe.

Just to make sure, I am affirming subliminal messages to myself.  I have downloaded an interesting set of affirmations called Stress from Louise Hay (www.louisehay.com) to make sure my mind is aligned with what I want in my life.  I believe in adding to your chances to succeed so for me it's a natural step.  On the other hand, I don't believe in doubting yourself and fortifying that doubt with superstition.  There is a fine line with taking advantage of options that will propel you to success and becoming insecure and seeking every self-help book or tape to help you.

I am sharing it with caution although I know that positive messages would only be helpful.   We deserve to be happy, we deserve the best for ourselves...so let's think that way and open the path for it to happen! 

The Chosen Path

I am a strong believer in therapy.  I went three times to three different therapists for short periods of time.  Therapy wasn't something I needed to do for the rest of my life although I realize there are some extreme situations where people go 2-3 times a week for years.

The value of therapy for me was to be able to talk through what I was experiencing at the time.  The first time I went was because I broke up with someone that I was very close to - breaking up was the only option I had as the guy I was seeing was mostly unavailable both emotionally and physically.  I learned then that I had been attracted to this guy because he reminded me of my father.  I did recognize this was true.

I then went to therapy again when I was working for someone that was mentally ill.  Instead of suggesting that my manager go to therapy - he would have probably fired me - I went to therapy because working for someone that was so out of his mind was extremely hard to deal with on a daily basis.  He would stand outside of my office peering in and would talk for about two hours non-stop.  This was constant.  He had hired me to create a "strategy" and when I joined the team I found out that he had a strategy already.  A very flawed strategy.  As a result of his mental issues he lied about people in his team, including me.  I wasn't able to deal with this situation effectively but therapy helped me realize that I had options.  As incredible as that may sound,  I didn't know I had options.  That in itself was an extremely valuable lesson that I never forgot.  I moved on to another job within the same company where I was extremely successful.

Then I went to therapy a third time when I moved to another state in the U.S.   The whole experience of moving was a very good experience from a personal growth perspective but I did put myself at risk professionally and personally.  While the growth involved was invaluable I do wonder sometimes on the value of being blissfully ignorant.  I was unhappy before I moved but I was also mostly unconscious.

I replaced therapy with yoga.  That may sound unbelievable but it is true.  Being more evolved now than I was before I decided to move from New York  is primarily a result of doing yoga and being very disciplined about my meditations.  I don't miss a day unless something extreme happens and I can't physically do the four meditations I do every day (including the meditation on fear I posted in Uncertainty and Fear on January 24th).  I see the difference in myself so I cannot stop.  I still feel stress and get frustrated but it is probably a fraction of what I would feel if I wasn't meditating.  I am more balanced and certainly more conscious.

Being conscious is tough.  It demands everything from me.  I cannot hide from myself - ever.  It's like being in a war all the time.  The war is with myself.  Even when you do not engage in battle you know there's a war out there.   People and circumstances keep testing me.  The challenging part is that you never really win,  you just advance.  There is no win and there is no final destination.  You do get the insights of how you advance and that's the gift.  That and showing others a different way of looking at their lives.  While I wouldn't advocate the opposite - being unconscious and blissfully ignorant - the chosen path requires both bravery, strength and single-minded focus.  As any warrior would, I sometimes get frustrated and tired of it.

For a few days this week,  I am taking a furlough.  Peace, love and fun.  And sun to warm the body and soul.  And I will keep on doing my meditations...

Transition

I read somewhere that Maria Shriver asked her Twitter followers for ideas on handling a transition or something to that effect.  It's true that being in transition is a very difficult stage.  It's probably similar to being in the water while trying to reach shore after you've fallen from a boat.  The boat probably felt safe.  It's a place you knew and where you presumably felt comfortable before hitting the water.  

All of a sudden you are in the water.  It's cold, there are unknown things brushing against your legs and arms, and minutes seem like days.  You can't tell time other than looking at the sun's progress across the sky.   There are no clues that you are getting closer to the shore other than imaginary sightings of people or land in front of you.  The sun beats mercilessly against your head and your face but you must go on or else there is no hope.  So you continue swimming while you inwardly pray to be rescued because the water is as deep as when you first fell into the water.   There is no indication that it is getting shallow and you are  getting closer to the shore.

As with everything in life there is a  choice.   Letting fear in is one of them.  Swimming and then giving up in the middle due to exhaustion is definitely a possible choice.  Continuing to swim relentlessly is another choice.

The interesting thing about these choices is that the outcome is much clearer for the first two options than for the third one.  The third one definitely has more chance of good possibilities.  With the first two, it is almost certain that one will die from sheer inaction which will result in being eaten by a shark or just suffer from hypoglycemia, heat stroke or whatever other horrible things may happen when you don't do anything in the middle of open seas.

Anything is possible.  Maybe what is brushing against your legs are dolphins or harmless fish.  Maybe shore is only half a mile away and when you have been swimming for five or six hours, that is nothing!  Or what if someone was already looking for you in a helicopter and minutes away from finding you?

So for anyone in transition, keep swimming!  Define the goal first and then go for it.  Go for the possibility of success and never give up on yourself.  Let life play out.  Chances are you will achieve your goals if you keep single-minded focus and faith.

Keep up!

Inspiration

Inspiration comes from all kinds of sources.  If I am meditating, reading, or just paying attention to what is around me  I may be inspired.  I may even have a dream that I remember and that elicits some new thoughts.  Einstein used to compare the process of creating to laying eggs.   Once I am ready, I start laying eggs.  Certainly most mundane activities that would fall in the category of “doing” – with some rare exceptions - get in the way of having the mental space to be inspired.   For the most part, I come up with new ideas when I am in a state of “being”.   Maybe my antennas are better tuned to getting messages from above then, who knows?

One of the areas I am focused on is in creating a company.  The challenge is that I have two ideas for two different companies, one is how to leverage technology that is already developed by a brilliant computer scientist and come up with a future phase for this technology and the other one is an idea that is harder to articulate at this stage.   I need time to ponder about it.   For now, I am just focusing on ideas for only one of the companies.   It’s almost a full time job.  I say almost because I am also looking for a job – another full time job.

I haven’t had the time to think too much – I usually need time by myself to develop ideas.  Not having a lot of time for that frustrates me to no end.  I am usually torn between maintaining strict discipline in carving out time for me to “think” with the million other things I have to get done  (paying bills, reconciling checking and credit card accounts, etc., etc.).  It’s somewhat easier to curtail my social life because I give preference to my close friends and family - when my acquaintances invite me somewhere, I say “no” more easily.

I call it “thinking” time but it’s not so much thinking as letting ideas flow and take shape in my mind.  There is a more fluid and creative wave of energy going on than just using the left side of the brain to think something through. It’s an interesting process because even though it’s natural and it flows, there are stages to it.  It’s hard to analyze, I just know that the pieces of the puzzle come together and the vision emerges.

So that’s the challenge in the next few days.  To make sure I have the time to just “be”.

Who knows what may come out of that?

“Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labour in freedom.”
Albert Einstein

Puzzles of Existence

There is a special love and beauty to the relationship between real friends that is more profound than in most relationships.  In some ways we save each other, we rescue each other along the way.  There is a comfort, an ease with those real friends that is maybe grounded in the knowing that the relationship is  meant to be.   With some friends, it seems that we have known each other forever.  Who knows what was at play when we met?  Is it a soul we made a contract with ahead of coming to this earth to accompany us in this lifetime?  How did we find each other?  How did we get so lucky?

Apparently, there are two questions that souls are asked in Egyptian mythology ahead of entering heaven:  first, did you have joy in your life; second, did you give joy to others?  My answer to the first question would be that yes, I did have joy in my life and to the second question, I would also answer yes.  I believe I have given joy to others.  Certainly not to everybody but I believe I have given joy to some of my colleagues, friends, and family.

It would be good if what people remember about me is how I made them laugh and enjoy a light moment or how I made them think in a different way about themselves and their lives.  That's important to me.  In the end, I will be completely forgotten once I die and my family and friends join me in the other side.  There is no immortality in the true sense of the word on earth.  Not in words that are left behind or in statues built for posterity or in successful projects that last decades.  After time goes by, our names are only names that have no meaning.  What we leave behind is a feeling in those that love us that there is eternal love and that we existed and they knew us and our essence at some point.  It is in the memory of others' hearts that we exist until those people don't exist anymore.

I know we exist in spirit forever.  It's just a different phase of our existence. There is definitely immortality of our soul and spirit.  That's a wonderful thing to know.

It would be nice to figure it all out, wouldn't it?  I have a feeling it will all make sense one day, either here on earth or somewhere else.

Sometimes I get glimpses of perfect order in the universe - I am eager to figure it all out.    

“There is a point where in the mystery of existence contradictions meet; where movement is not all movement and stillness is not all stillness; where the idea and the form, the within and the without, are united; where infinite becomes finite, yet not”
 Rabindranath Tagore





   

Nobu Tribeca and Kokoro

Last week I was at Nobu for lunch.  Last time I was there was about two years ago.

I am writing with unabashed admiration for the culinary experience I had but I am not as enthusiastic about the decor at Nobu Tribeca.  Nobu is owned by Drew Nieporent, Robert de Niro and Nobu Matsuhisa, the renowned chef.  I know it's a David Rockwell designed restaurant and as the website describes, it "evokes the beauty of the Japanese countryside with its natural textures, birch trees, wood floors and a wall made of river stones".  As I walked to the main dining room,  I remembered the intention behind the design but thought that, at least during the day, it's a little too plain for me.  I have sat both at the dining room to the right of the entrance as well as at the main dining room next to the bar. The main dining room has a bit more ambiance.  Despite the wood that is all over the restaurant, it's not a warm place although it looks warmer at night than during the day. It's too industrial if that description makes any sense at all. The few times I have been there I have not used the restroom although I understand that the restroom is quite unique.

What the decor lacks -at least to my taste - is more than compensated by the amazing food.  We started with a very unusual and delicious martini made with peach and pineapple called the Pineapple Martini, followed by a light white wine.  We had a tuna timbale with caviar (mildly spicy), followed by the tiradito (a Peruvian fish dish from Nobu Matsuhisa's years there, mildly spicy), rock shrimp tempura with ponzu sauce (made with a very light batter), black cod with miso (so fresh!) , and sushi.  Each piece of sushi was sublime - especially the toro.  It felt that the fish had just been picked from the sea.  The service was very good.  It was friendly, efficient and informal without being informal.

The ambiance is casual and, as usual, Nobu was full.  Mostly businessmen.  We were struck by the preponderance of men versus women in the restaurant.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience.  As I walked out of the restaurant, I felt a warmth in the restaurant I hadn't felt before.  What warmed the room considerably was sharing a fantastic lunch with some members of my family.   Those moments are indelibly etched on my mind.  As Nobu Matsuhisa states in his website (www.nobumatsuhisa), he cooks with his heart (kokoro in Japanese) and although he probably doesn't cook at every one of his restaurants, that intention was infused in the food I ate that day.   The special people I was with and the delicious meal definitely touched my heart.  

Justice?

Scene in front of ground zero today as a result of bin Laden's death. There are thousands of people and countless media trucks to report on the events of the day.   I saw many people with American flags.  

I had a dinner party last night and was unaware that Osama bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan last night.  I heard what President Obama said and the initial reaction from some of the top newspapers in New York this morning.

While I thought that President Obama's speech was very comprehensive and good, I disagree with his statement that by killing Osama bin Laden justice has been done.  First, I don't know what justice means in most contexts as justice executed by humans is flawed.  I have rarely - if ever - seen it at work in the world as I know it.   I also don't know how one achieves justice to avenge the killing of thousands of people in New York and all over the world.  I have a problem with two words "justice" and "avenge" because there is no possible way to bring justice to bear and to avenge heinous acts against anybody implies engaging in violence.  I strongly believe in accountability but I abhor violence. As Mohandas Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind".

I was living in California on September 11th.  I was supposed to travel the next day to New York on business.  After the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers, all flights were cancelled. I flew to New York on the first flight authorized to fly to New York on the following Saturday.  I immediately went downtown to visit a friend that lives blocks away from ground zero. What was most shocking was to see the flames and smoke (visible from 30 blocks north of ground zero) visible from 30 blocks north of downtown.  Also very disturbing is that when I got to Soho to walk over to my friend's house, I was swallowing and breathing grainy particles, and smoke that was still in the air 5 days after the attack.  This junk quickly got into my lungs and it made it difficult to breathe.  I  remember the restaurants in Soho were offering a class of free champagne to everyone as a way to assuage people's feeling of loss, grief,  and depression - this feeling lasted for a very long time.  While people have bounced back and reconstituted their spirits, the devastation and sorrow of  9/11 is still in the cellular memory of all New Yorkers.  It has affected all Americans and most people who believe in peace, freedom, and love in the world.

As a New Yorker, the killing of one man, no matter how evil his acts cannot bring justice as I understand justice to be.  It does feel very good that he cannot do it to anyone else anymore, in that sense it is a wonderful thing.  I can't help but think about his family and loved ones.  Is it heresy to feel compassion for what they feel for the loss of such a lost soul?   Even the family members in Saudi Arabia who renounced him after 9/11 must be feeling the pain - including his mother.

Attempting to avenge the loss of so many lives and the brutal blow at so many levels to the families and friends is an impossible act. There is no equal "tit for tat" here.  How do you measure retribution for so much pain and suffering?  Even if the same number of terrorists were killed by the U.S. or anti-terrorist forces in other countries, that would not heal the deep wound that already took place as a result of families and friends being devastated at losing loved ones.  The dead will not be brought back and the pain remains.  However, if the friends and family of the victims of terrorist attacks feel that justice has been done, so much the better. I have heard some family members of 9/11 victims state that they feel better about what happened now that Osama bin Laden has been killed, that it has brought closure and a sense of relief to them. I am very glad for that.  Any healing that may take place is a very good thing.

I didn't have a relative or friend in 9/11 although as a New Yorker, I took the attack as a personal attack to a place I call home.  The violence and complete disregard for human lives and suffering that bin Laden and his team of terrorists executed was extreme and horrific.

If I think about those that hurt me at a very personal level in my professional life, I wouldn't feel vindicated if I knew that they were hurt in the same way or worse.  I recently learned that two of them were asked to leave the company where I worked.  One of them was insane and the other one abused his power repeatedly not only in my detriment but also hurt others.  These news made me feel glad.  But justice was not done.  Nothing can compensate for what I and others went through.

What the death of Osama bin Laden hopefully does is curtail additional heinous attacks against innocent people all over the world.  That is the one very valuable thing - other than hopefully bringing family and friends of victims to closure - that may result from his death.  In the context of protecting the world against further violence and senseless suffering it may be helpful.  But, who knows, it may bring about additional violent attacks against civilians as a way to retaliate against the U.S. and its allies.

Which is the problem I have with wars in general.  I don't know who wins what and for how long. And, at what human cost?  I wonder what would happen if we put the same level of energy and resources to peace efforts.

I also believe in divine justice.  As President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Presidents do make mistakes, but the immortal Dante tells us that divine justice weighs the sins of the cold-blooded and the sins of the warm-hearted in different scales”.  That applies to all of us.