My Mom

My mother was incredibly intelligent, curious, charming, and cultured.  She was an avid reader and an artist.  She had a great sense of humor and made me laugh - at least most of the time. She was very sheltered growing up and she had an aura of innocence mixed with brilliance around her.  She was sweet and quite adorable.  A force of nature.  Beautiful.

I don't have all the words to describe the contrast between her playful and romantic spirit and her constant disappointment of what she imagined her life would be with how it was.  The irony is that she had it all but she lived her life as if she was shortchanged.  It may have to do that she was spoiled rotten by her father, as for him the sun set and rose around her.  No one knows what she lacked, least of all herself - but based on her point of view, the life she imagined was not the life she was living.

I remember she would usually say that she was living the last minutes of the game and while it was true, whenever she said that I felt guilty.  I felt I couldn't make her happy.  And I didn't have too much more time to make her happy.  I also knew that no one can make someone else happy.  That happiness  comes from inside. 

I know I gave her moments of happiness.   Whether it was when I sat next to her watching endless television (which was not my favorite thing to do) or when I went out of my way to make her something she loved to eat or when I made her laugh, I know she was happy in those moments.  I remember once I included "fulcrum" in the context of a story and she repeated story to her friends later and then I told her it was a dirty word.  She was so innocent she had no idea about the full range of dirty words and we laughed for days about it - especially when she found out it was not a dirty word at all.  I was being playful myself.  When my parents traveled and I would meet them wherever they were for a few days, that made her very happy.

She became ill and I believe that it was at the end of her life that she realized what a wonderful life she had had.  I remember thinking, how could her life go by so quickly.  All those wonderful stories about her childhood and her youth, all gone.  All those years traveling and meeting exciting people.  All the laughter and all those tears.  All gone. It does go away fast.  Like water going through your hands.

How we see our lives is our responsibility.  My mother had an idea of life which maybe could never be matched by the reality she lived.  No one knew what that was because she lived a life of privilege and was surrounded by love.  So whatever she wanted - that unspoken and maybe unrealistic and unattainable wish - eluded her while she was living a charmed life.

Most important, it was the life she chose to live.  I learned a lot from her and her life.  She's always with me.  A bright light that still shines strongly today.

Conquering

This is about conquering other people.  I learned the concept of conquering others a few years ago.  For the most part, I see positive results when I put this concept into practice.

Conquering others is not about compromising your integrity and accepting abusive treatment - at work or from friends and family.  It is about understanding that we all have different needs and figuring out what those needs are to see how those needs may be fulfilled as well as our needs.  We may be different - like the adorable puppies in the picture - but in the end there are universal truths that bind us.

It's tricky.  I have been in a couple of situations where a member from my family crossed the line in such an egregious way that it's very hard to see her or feel about her in the same way. After going through the phases of hurt, anger, and mourning at the dilution of the relationship, compassion kicked in.  When that happened I believe I saw her for who she is...a wounded human being that deals with her life by finding fault and striking out against others.  Seems to me that her needs are so basic - to be loved and to be appreciated in order to feel secure - that when I am able to, I show her love.  Yet she doesn't trust it.  I confess that despite the fact that I love her I sometimes don't show her the same  unbridled love I express for other people in my life.   She has the capacity to strike back at any moment and I decided not to expose myself to that behavior anymore. While I admit I haven't conquered her at all, I have conquered my innate desire to react and strike back when she attacks me.

At work, I have faced abusive situations as well.  After not being able to address those situations effectively at first, I have learned to speak up and to stand up for myself.  That is incredibly empowering.  I have paid the consequences of speaking up because some of the people that bully and abuse others are insecure.  They perceive people that are strong and competent as a threat.  More than once my perception has been that they believed I was after their jobs when that was the farthest thing I wanted.  Their need for security can be fulfilled only by owning to their insecurity (which is unlikely in a professional setting) and being reassured or by eliminating the perceived threat.  I am consistently looking to move forward on my own achievements but in this case they only saw me as a threat that needed to be eradicated.  Gives me the chills.

How I have expressed compassion for these people is by forgiving them despite the damage caused in my career as a result of that.  I couldn't conquer them because the real issue was never deal with honestly.  What I conquered was the need for revenge and the desire to wallow in my misery and feel sorry for myself.  I chose the road of forgiveness (if interested in the topic of forgiveness, I wrote about that in an earlier post Freedom, February 3, 2011).

I don't harbor resentment or anger in my heart.  I value my heart too much. I prefer to preserve the purity of my heart and soul as much as possible.  It doesn't mean that I am perfect.  I see the people that hurt me as wounded souls and I realize I am being judgmental.  I know we all come with some wounds in areas that may be different.  Luckily the areas where I am wounded don't include hurting others.  I am very grateful for that!

Having given examples where I have conquered my own reactions and feelings when hurt by others, I come to the central premise of the post.  There are times that it is possible to conquer others.  When the person is just different, as most people are, made out of a different software version and DNA, it is possible to conquer them.  Kindness and a genuine willingness to connect at some level are two key elements in making that happen.  Refraining from judging others because they are different from us also helps.  

I strongly believe that people are what make the difference in any situation.  In my personal life or at work, it's how people think, behave, and what they believe in that makes the difference.  So when I meet someone I may not have chemistry with, I work hard to conquer this person.  I try to get to know him or her because there is a common ground for us to work together and it's critical to find what that is.  I also consider the real possibility that I will learn something about myself and also may learn something else that's valuable from that person.  Therefore, instead of approaching it in a negative way, I approach it as a discoverer.  That is how I work at conquering them.

So when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with another person it's best to find a good way to work through it rather than waging a war where both parties lose. There is probably a middle ground in most situations.  I say most situations because you also have to listen to what your heart and soul are telling you.  It's easier to do it in the context of work, much harder to do it with family and friends but worth trying.  In some situations, it's better to walk away.  Knowing what the best action to take requires stillness within yourself no matter how long it takes - to make sure no rash decisions are made.  Reacting to a situation is not an answer.  Ever.

Hope these thoughts help!  

Being...

I need to be and do but I feel so much better when I am than when I am busy doing something.

For me, being is a state of mind which I usually achieve when I'm sitting in front of the ocean watching the waves roll one after the other.  Or when I'm just listening to the waves as they break.  Or when I am watching the branches of a tree sway with the wind.  Being to me means that I am in a place of knowing, where ideas come easily and things fall into place on their own.   Effortlessly.  Nature is the best place for me to be.  I also meditate every morning and, depending on the meditation I'm doing, I am able to get to that place of knowing.

Other than that, there is so much noise and so many distractions around me!  Whether it's the television,  people talking loudly, or cars and buses on the street - it's hard to be in a quiet place.  The paradox is that this quiet place I am seeking is really within me.  It is just challenging to get to that place.  Drawing from it is what gives me peace as well as inspiration.  In addition to the noise and distractions,  other competing forces are the many things I must do.  Applying to jobs as I am doing requires identifying those jobs, writing a meaningful letter to go along my CV, making sure that the CV is consistent with what the job requires since my experience is both broad and specific, and that I have enough food in the refrigerator to eat while I'm working on this.  It's definitely a full time job.  I also focus on going to the gym and taking a walk by the ocean to stay mentally and physically healthy.

I keep a list of things to do and this list includes both personal and professional actions that I must execute.  Making a list is a good way to get things done except the list never ends, a few things on the list may be eliminated as they get done but other things replace them.  I tell myself that the mundane things in life must be done in order to have the luxury to be.

The part of doing that is very fulfilling is when I create.  The work that I love doing is to create answers to the world's problems.  It's rare to get the opportunity to do that in a job unless one creates a company - which I am thinking about doing.  In the meantime, I create when I write this blog.  I apologize to my readers that the posts are not always crisp and well polished - I choose to write when I am working through a specific issue as that is the purpose of the blog.  With all the other things I must do, I only spend a few minutes writing.

It's a constant struggle.  I'd rather be and know in my world where everything makes sense.  But to be part of this planet means I also must do.   As long as I can create while I am doing, my life will always be fulfilling and meaningful.  




  

On the Edge...

I can see the ground from up here...

I recently met an amazing human being.  It was on a plane, on one of my many trips South.  I usually don't talk to people on the plane because sometimes people are just chatty and conversations don't evolve much beyond the trivial.  And I usually have things to do, either read a book or a magazine or work.  I cherish my time on the flights to catch up on things.

So other than saying hello to the guy that was on the aisle seat we didn't exchange any other words.  I then sat in the window seat with the middle seat thankfully empty.  About 30 minutes into the flight the flight attendant offered us drinks and I ordered wine.  When it came time to pay, the guy on the aisle seat said "It's on me..." and I turned around to thank him.  From then on, the wine flowed as easily as our conversation.  It was probably one of the most profound conversations I have had with anyone in my life - and I am including conversations with close friends that I have known for years.  He told me his story and I shared mine.  His story was a story of pain and victory.

He shared he had been on the edge early in his life and all the details associated with that experience but that he was in a very good place now.  I told him I was on the edge now but not giving up and being proactive and positive as much as possible.  Being on the edge to me means that there is peril in every step because I'm not totally sure I can make it.  Despite all my energy and drive, I can see the ground clearly as I walk on the tight rope.  And the ground beckons me.  It's hard to ignore it.

My new friend and I talked about everything we could conjure up and even though I am an extremely private person, I felt I knew him forever.  It was easy to confide in him.  I was impressed with his honesty, his intelligence and the light that he exuded...it shined all around him.  So we talked and drank for the rest of the trip and, I must admit, I was buzzed to say the least when I arrived at my destination.  The buzz wore off but what didn't wear off at all was the imprint that he made on my soul.  Very deep.

I was touched by this lovely and sweet soul, different from me in some ways but similar to me in so many others.  It was as if he was born in the same planet.  What a warm and cozy feeling that left in my heart!  Hopefully we'll be able to keep in touch in our lives.

I'm still on the edge but meeting a special person like that distracts me from the ground all the way down there...and helps me focus on the next step!

There are no coincidences, are there? 

Testing My Power

AmyTofte.Files.Wordpress

I believe in our internal power.  I believe that we create our reality.  Relentless focus, positive energy,  believing in myself - all of those elements are critical but another key element is being out in the world. There may be other key elements although I am not sure what they are.  I have to translate knowing about this internal power in order to truly create what I want.  I have yet to find the exact formula for it.

As confident as I am in my experience and abilities I also have this shy side to me.  It is the side that doesn't really want to be out there, networking with people I barely know and sharing part of what is very valuable to me - my time - to schmooze to achieve an ulterior motive.

It is that uncompromising and protective side of me that I am going to conquer.  Starting this week I will engage in activities that I am uncomfortable with - writing letters and engaging with others to get help.  Help in getting "the dream job".  I am very able to ask and get help for others so why can't I get help for myself?  That must be conquered once and for all!

And so I forge ahead with a clear purpose for the rest of this month...let's see what that yields.

I am a warrior after all!  A peaceful warrior that can go to war with whatever is keeping me from getting what I want.

First, I have to determine who the enemy is in order to vanquish it.  That is the most important question of all.  Second, I destroy the enemy and achieve victory.  Sounds simple, huh?   I know this enemy is within myself so it's not simple at all.

Stay tuned.

Nostalgia...

I was here one day...

Nostalgia definition (www.dictionary.com):  a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.


While I am more and more focused on being in the moment I periodically revert to the great memories of the past.  It's up for debate whether the past was so wonderful as my mind has decided to record it but it certainly makes for nice daydreaming sometimes. Although it also brings a little bit of heartache.

I remember my grandparents when they were relatively young, traveling around the world with my parents and bringing me unusual presents.  I remember how - when my parents were in Europe and we were enrolled in a boarding school - they used to take all four of us kids to the movies to see one movie after the other at a special movie theater.   I remember each one of the delicious snacks they bought us between movies.

There are other cherished memories that didn't happen years ago, maybe some of them took place just last year.  Whether it's a memory a month ago of my two-year old niece laughing heartily at her own antics once she viewed herself in a video I took of her or a memorable dinner last night with some friends, drinking wine and looking from the terrace at the shimmer the full moon created on the ocean,  these memories are as vivid to me as some memories in the more distant past.

I have included a picture of steps in this post.  It is a picture of steps my feet made in the snow at a park in front of my building last year.  They symbolize a beautiful memory that even if the snow did melt and erased my steps, that memory is forever ingrained in my heart and soul.  I had many happy seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months in that park...I have had many happy seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months since then in many places as well.  Yet the memory of my park still reigns supreme.

I went to dinner with one of my best friends tonight.  Somehow our conversation turned to our parents. My parents died within a span of two years a few years ago.  To me, they were the perfect parents and that doesn't mean that they were perfect.  I would give anything to be able to drive up to their house once again, have dinner with them, talk to them, laugh with them...but fortunately I have plenty of memories to keep them alive in my heart.

Our ability to remember these memories whether they happened several years ago or just last night is a tremendous gift.  It's as if our mind can help us be back at that moment to relive and relish the happiness of feeling good no matter when or where it was.  I contend that if one truly lives in the moment it doesn't matter when that moment took place, it will forever be etched in our minds (barring any disease to prevent that from happening). Yes, there is a degree of pain associated with it but it is probably equal to the degree of pleasure and happiness to remembering we actually lived it.

So that's what I constantly attempt to do, live in the moment fully.  My motivation is to just enjoy myself at that moment in time without letting anything interfere with it.  It also helps my desire to then  relive it again and again although this second dynamic happens automatically.  I don't think, "let me live fully so that I then remember it".  It's more about living fully because today is all I have.  Remembering about it later is just a bonus.

We only have today.  We only have this instant.  Now.  We better make those steps in the snow now.  Live, live, live...

Pollyanna and Sisyphus

I have been accused of having a Pollyannaish approach to life.  Being positive and optimistic most of the time and making an effort of seeing the best no matter what the circumstances is what helped me land that perception.  In theory, the Pollyanna principle is about being positive at an unconscious level yet negative at an unconscious one.  In practice, being positive requires harmony between the unconscious and conscious mind.

No one is optimistic 100% of the time...everyone has ups and downs.  Including me.  But I know that I function much better when I believe anything is possible and forge ahead.   If I didn't work on creating this energy for myself I would have given up a long time ago.  I sometimes feel like Sisyphus, pushing that big rock and watching it go down the mountain again and again.  But I go back to push it one more time in case this time it will get to the top of the mountain.  And it will!

It's in those moments of pause, when the rock is falling very quickly down the mountain while one is watching that one has a choice.  Do you give up and complain to all what your bad luck has brought, what others have done to you and how the rock is not collaborating as it should? Who else do you blame?  Or do you defy all odds,  stand up stronger, get back behind that rock and push, push, push...until you get it where it needs to be?

In Homer's myth, Sisyphus was punished by the Gods to push that huge stone for eternity.  As such, he played the role of the absurd hero again and again. In his essay on Sisyphus,  Camus states that he was happy in this quest and struggle to get the huge stone to the summit  (if you are interested in reading Camus' essay on Sisyphus, please go to the link at the end of this post.  I particularly like the last two paragraphs...).  We share no such fate of not reaching the summit.  It's up to each one of us to achieve what we want.  We can create our thoughts and direct them in a way that serve us.

It's not a great accomplishment, anyone can do that.  Creating good energy for oneself requires intense focus, commitment, and discipline.  Intense focus in always listening to our internal thoughts to understand what is it that we are projecting with our thoughts.  Discipline in being conscious on how the internal tape is playing out - is it the negative, fearful, tape or is it the encouraging, anything is possible, tape?  And commitment in switching from negative to positive thoughts as soon as we realize we are being self-destructive.

Some of us have grown up with great familiarity with the negative tape and it's hard to let it go.  Being a familiar narrative, there is a level of comfort in hearing it.  But it's important to know that one can edit it to one's advantage.

I spoke to my brother today.  He is moving tomorrow.  He told me tomorrow would be a horrible day for him because the movers are coming to pack his stuff, then taking it to his new house, etc. I said why can't it be a great day tomorrow, smooth and easy as opposed to how he's convinced himself it will be?  He laughed in a dismissive way - as if I was crazy! - and said something about you keep believing it's going to be great but I know it's going to be an extremely difficult day.

So I keep being mistaken for the fool in the family but it's okay as I'm anything but that.  If I can make anyone consider that thinking in a certain manner paves the way for more happiness then I'm a happy fool!


http://www.zafiris.net/articles/Sisyphus_Myth_Camus.htm

Twists and Turns

If life was as fun as a good twist is we wouldn't have anything to complain about although we would probably be exhausted all the time.

I'm all for being exhausted because I'm having too much fun.  What I have learned along the way is that a twist or a turn may be a good experience or may be a lesson in disguise - code phrase for a painful experience!  And the lesson is not always about something I have to learn but rather what others have to learn.  Yes, at my expense!!!

The tough aspect about the twists that lead to pain are the bruises that they leave behind.  They are hard to heal.  Time and having fun after a big bruise helps.  There are no real easy ways to heal.  Just to get through the pain takes a lot of energy.  Trying to figure things out is almost not worth it because what happened will be revealed in its own time.

That's the way it seems to work.  In the meantime, I'm dancing all I possibly can!

Check out this link if you feel like dancing with me:    
http://www.youtube.com/embed/XpzggAVxLME?rel=0"

Loose Ends and Symmetry

I realized today I have quite a few loose ends in my life.  This includes every relationship where not everything that needed to be said was said.  It also includes situations or circumstances where symmetry was absent and there were discordant notes that were never brought to a harmonious place.  In the end they are like jarred edges, always present and visible to all that care to see them.

I thought of that today in the context of a recent business relationship.  Two people coming from very different backgrounds sometimes can come together in unison as it has happened to me many times but sometimes it doesn't happen.  I worked together very well with people from a variety of backgrounds when the ideas and the vision were much more powerful than the differences.  It wasn't about us anymore, it was about getting it done for a goal that existed way beyond ourselves.  When the idea isn't as strong then what sometimes takes over is the lack of understanding and all communications become tainted with unexpressed expectations.

It also happens when close relationships are not working.  All relationships have an ebb and flow that is constantly shifting.  Sometimes they get close to shore and sometimes they move deep into the darkness of the ocean.  Somehow I usually know what is wrong and what is not working but because relationships include at least two people, it is not only dependent on one person understanding that.  Sometimes they get back in sync somehow and other times they remain in a holding pattern.  Less present and critical to one's life but always there.

Ah, the mysteries of life.  I vote for focusing on tying up as many loose ends as possible.  Hard to do but easier for the soul.  And certainly brings more symmetry to life.    

What can I do for you...

I read an email from Yehuda Berg last week  - he sends messages every day to whoever subscribes.  I like most of his messages as they usually contain great wisdom.

Here it is - verbatim:


What Can I Do For You?
Saturday March 3, 2012

Service is one of the greatest tools we have to become fulfilled. It is the polar opposite of entitlement, which is about what you can do for me. Service is about what I can do for you. Service isn't only about big heroic actions, because many of us would sacrifice our lives to help someone in an emergency, but would we sacrifice our ego on a daily basis?

The litmus test is, does this action of sharing require internal change? If the goal of service is growth, then we reach it by looking for those areas where it’s hardest to go outside ourselves. This is something we can do all day long.

END OF MESSAGE (If you want to get these messages, write to support@kabbalah.com)


It made me reflect on the past 6 months.  For the most part I believe - hopefully I am correct in my self-assessment! - I tend to go outside of my comfort zone to help someone else whenever possible. Even if it includes making some level of sacrifice.  I may not do it for everyone I encounter but I consciously make decisions to be helpful to most people.  Of course that is even more true when my friends or family are involved.  I could also go overboard and I have to watch myself because it's also not healthy to give, give, give and not receive anything in return.  To be clear, I am not suggesting it is tit for tat, you give something and you must get something in return and viceversa.  There is no accounting system for generosity or any other exchange at a spiritual level.

What my experience has shown me is that the phrase "you know who your friends are" when you need help is very true.  The most unexpected friends - who I did not even consider to be my closest friends - went out of their way to help me.  The great majority of my closest friends definitely stepped up to the plate - as they say in baseball, a game I know nothing about but that has created great phrases! - and became absolutely reliable and gave me unconditional support and love.  And they accompanied their words of unconditional love with specific actions to help me.

By contrast, a family member disappointed me deeply.  It only points out to who he is but as that hurt me instead of help me, it is not an easy wound to heal.  The love is still there - intact - but so is the bruise.  A friend told me last week that it is easier for some people to value generosity when it's directed at them but have trouble being generous themselves.  I understand we are all different.  When it comes to people that need my help I focus on coming through for them as much as I can.  I am sure despite my good intentions I have failed them sometimes myself.  I try.  If it means giving up things I value for a period of time, I do it gladly.  I learned a long time ago that the world doesn't revolve around my existence.

As Yehuda Berg points out, it's easy to give of yourself if it doesn't cost you anything...it actually means something when you step out of your comfort zone and think of the other person first.  We have so many opportunities to think and care about ourselves, it certainly isn't necessary to do it 100% of the time, is it?

I say this and, at the same time, I realize that generosity may be expressed by some people in unexpected ways that are reasonable to them.  It ends up being a matter of definition.  Isn't everything?

Which reminds me of a favorite Beatles song, the love you give is equal to the love you make.  It's an easy puzzle to solve, isn't it? 

Fantasy

The fish are real to me!

Fantasy in our lives is incredibly important.  So much so that it's just as important to be able to differentiate our fantasies from our "real" lives.  Very difficult for us that are dreamers and are constantly dreaming and imagining all kinds of situations, stories and things that are not "real".  In the end it's up to us as human beings to distinguish and create those boundaries - if we choose to do so.

Which is why I'm watching the Oscars tonight.  A night of total fantasy, beautiful gowns, beautiful actors giving amazing performances...actors and other artists understand fantasy very well.  They embody someone's words for a few months and voilà, a movie comes out and they have to disembody from that character and move on to the next.  And give us - the audience - an incredibly amount of pleasure in the process.

In my life, I choose what act I will live out at any given moment.  It's less about the character traits as those are consistent throughout my life but it is always about the attitude I choose.  My most frequent choice in this lifetime has been to strive for a positive reality no matter how tall the mountain looms in the distance.  My point of view has meant peace and survival for me but I have been taken to task for it by my family.    One of them is puzzled by it and doesn't know whether he should emulate it and the second seems resentful that she cannot master that skill herself.

What is reality anyway?  It's what's in your mind.  Which is why refraining from judgment whenever you can is - for me - the way to go.  It's a way to give the benefit of the doubt to everyone so that my relationships are not forever tainted by judgment and criticism.  It's very tempting to judge and to condemn others for what they lack - in reality we all are at different levels of consciousness.  I don't know where I am on that imaginary scale but at a minimum I better be able to forgive and accept.

Dream.  And dream BIG.  It's the only way.  

Inspiration II

I have written about this topic before (May 13, 2011).  As I have said in the past, all themes - such as inspiration in this case - have many angles.

I was with one of my dearest friends recently - just talking.  About life and its challenges.  How sometimes things seem so difficult and then you go through them and you are fine.  Still standing.  Still hopeful.  She said you never know when you are inspiring people by just living the life you live.  She was talking about me and my life.

I don't think one lives one's life to inspire others but it's interesting to know that sometimes one has an impact on someone else without even trying.  I'm on a road of discovery and I am learning so much from others!  One of the most valuable things I learned is that those that come from a place of love consistently shed their own fears in the process.  The love they give in the actions they take becomes more important than to feed and nurture their fears.  I have been the lucky recipient of that love from many friends in countless ways in the past few months so I am talking from experience.  I know I am incredibly lucky.

In reality, it's having that love and support that has carried me through - it hasn't been so much about me and my strength in facing the unknown as it's been about my friends standing by me.  I am the one that gets out of bed in the morning and goes through the day with great expectations - that is fueled by the fact that I don't feel alone and I know I am loved.  Which also gives me a sense of responsibility to forge ahead.

They have my eternal love and gratitude.  They inspire me.  

Adrift...

I haven't written for a few months.  It's been a crazy time to say the least.

I'm still standing.  Although I must say I feel slightly adrift.  In a way it's a great feeling because I'm free to let how I feel guide my next steps. And how I feel depends on what is happening at the moment.  In that sense, it's a true adventure.  The best part of it is mostly being in the present at all times.  That's all I have!

Interesting experience.  I decided I must document this unique period in my life.

Stay tuned.  More to come...