Conquering

This is about conquering other people.  I learned the concept of conquering others a few years ago.  For the most part, I see positive results when I put this concept into practice.

Conquering others is not about compromising your integrity and accepting abusive treatment - at work or from friends and family.  It is about understanding that we all have different needs and figuring out what those needs are to see how those needs may be fulfilled as well as our needs.  We may be different - like the adorable puppies in the picture - but in the end there are universal truths that bind us.

It's tricky.  I have been in a couple of situations where a member from my family crossed the line in such an egregious way that it's very hard to see her or feel about her in the same way. After going through the phases of hurt, anger, and mourning at the dilution of the relationship, compassion kicked in.  When that happened I believe I saw her for who she is...a wounded human being that deals with her life by finding fault and striking out against others.  Seems to me that her needs are so basic - to be loved and to be appreciated in order to feel secure - that when I am able to, I show her love.  Yet she doesn't trust it.  I confess that despite the fact that I love her I sometimes don't show her the same  unbridled love I express for other people in my life.   She has the capacity to strike back at any moment and I decided not to expose myself to that behavior anymore. While I admit I haven't conquered her at all, I have conquered my innate desire to react and strike back when she attacks me.

At work, I have faced abusive situations as well.  After not being able to address those situations effectively at first, I have learned to speak up and to stand up for myself.  That is incredibly empowering.  I have paid the consequences of speaking up because some of the people that bully and abuse others are insecure.  They perceive people that are strong and competent as a threat.  More than once my perception has been that they believed I was after their jobs when that was the farthest thing I wanted.  Their need for security can be fulfilled only by owning to their insecurity (which is unlikely in a professional setting) and being reassured or by eliminating the perceived threat.  I am consistently looking to move forward on my own achievements but in this case they only saw me as a threat that needed to be eradicated.  Gives me the chills.

How I have expressed compassion for these people is by forgiving them despite the damage caused in my career as a result of that.  I couldn't conquer them because the real issue was never deal with honestly.  What I conquered was the need for revenge and the desire to wallow in my misery and feel sorry for myself.  I chose the road of forgiveness (if interested in the topic of forgiveness, I wrote about that in an earlier post Freedom, February 3, 2011).

I don't harbor resentment or anger in my heart.  I value my heart too much. I prefer to preserve the purity of my heart and soul as much as possible.  It doesn't mean that I am perfect.  I see the people that hurt me as wounded souls and I realize I am being judgmental.  I know we all come with some wounds in areas that may be different.  Luckily the areas where I am wounded don't include hurting others.  I am very grateful for that!

Having given examples where I have conquered my own reactions and feelings when hurt by others, I come to the central premise of the post.  There are times that it is possible to conquer others.  When the person is just different, as most people are, made out of a different software version and DNA, it is possible to conquer them.  Kindness and a genuine willingness to connect at some level are two key elements in making that happen.  Refraining from judging others because they are different from us also helps.  

I strongly believe that people are what make the difference in any situation.  In my personal life or at work, it's how people think, behave, and what they believe in that makes the difference.  So when I meet someone I may not have chemistry with, I work hard to conquer this person.  I try to get to know him or her because there is a common ground for us to work together and it's critical to find what that is.  I also consider the real possibility that I will learn something about myself and also may learn something else that's valuable from that person.  Therefore, instead of approaching it in a negative way, I approach it as a discoverer.  That is how I work at conquering them.

So when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with another person it's best to find a good way to work through it rather than waging a war where both parties lose. There is probably a middle ground in most situations.  I say most situations because you also have to listen to what your heart and soul are telling you.  It's easier to do it in the context of work, much harder to do it with family and friends but worth trying.  In some situations, it's better to walk away.  Knowing what the best action to take requires stillness within yourself no matter how long it takes - to make sure no rash decisions are made.  Reacting to a situation is not an answer.  Ever.

Hope these thoughts help!