I am not a psychologist but human behavior fascinates me. I originally thought I wanted to study to be a psychologist until I realized that it's very difficult to actually help other people transform their lives. It also is emotionally draining.
I fell in love while I was in college with an alcoholic. He was two years older and most people in his Ivy League class admired him for his impressive intellectual capacity. Aside from his intellectual prowess he was extremely handsome. Some of his friends also talked about how sometimes they would find John (not his real name) at the college after a night of partying, face down on the yard. One could say that in a United States university this is not so unusual but this was consistent behavior. John was an alcoholic.
John and I were never boyfriend and girlfriend but I did pine for him for a few months. He had a big heart, a beautiful soul, the mind of a scientist, and the body of an athlete so I was enthralled with him. At least until I fell in love with someone that was more available to me.
As a result of going through this experience with John, I decided I couldn't handle the daily pain of trying to help someone - and as a psychologist for a profession, it would be more than just one person - to change and transform themselves when necessary. Maybe I would have stuck with my choice of career had I not met John and on the other hand it was probably providential. I certainly didn't have the maturity then to be able to detach from other people's problems.
What I have learned since then is that there are many kinds of addictions. There is addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, people, nicotine, shopping, power, and many other forms of addiction. And we compromise ourselves so that we are able to get that next fix. That is until we build the core of who we are in such a way that we feel enough power within ourselves to give it up. Our sense of our own power is enough of a high to give everything else up.
I don't want to simplify addiction at all. This is a very complicated subject. Some addictions become physical dependencies which are extremely challenging to overcome. I have recently seen expressions of addiction in people I care about and I realize how easy it is to fall prey to it. The naked truth is that addiction is more about living a life that is based on illusion than based on reality. I would even say illusion is a romantic word that hides what it truly is, it is a lie. Addiction requires that we lie to ourselves and that we lie to everyone else. In the end, what is apparent is that it's a house of cards about to fall apart. At a moment's notice.
We are able to build a strong core within ourselves if we decide that it is better for us to build our strength than being at the mercy of other forces we believe we can't control. We can control anything if we want to do it badly enough. It's a choice. It's a decision. I don't believe in making any decisions to satisfy others expectations but I do believe in making decisions for ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to live a full life, a life where we live out our full potential and the first step is believing in ourselves. Each and every one of us deserves to fully realize our potential. I'm working on believing in myself. Every day. Which is why I realize how much more difficult it would be if I was addicted to something or someone.
I wrote about one kind of freedom (see post Freedom on March 3rd). There are many aspects to everything. In this case, another side to this topic is that there is nothing more empowering and liberating than being completely free from all external forces. Being completely free from the shackles we put around our own wrists. Those shackles aren't just limiting us, they rub against our wrists and hurt us, they break our skin, bruise our spirit. Being free from these shackles allows us to feel our own power. And allows us to feel a connection with that part of us that is infinite.
How about being addicted to the surge of power that creating your life represents? Creating a life beyond anything you could have imagined for yourself? We are able to open ourselves to everything, to greatness in our lives, to anything we are able to envision for ourselves. It is possible. It is hard to do but it is possible.
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