Anger

Anger is typically a difficult subject for people in general to handle.  It is difficult to allow oneself to feel it.  When one allows it, it may be devastating in its strength and impact if directed towards others.  Somehow, I feel it is healthy to feel anger as long as one is able to work through it before communicating with others or taking any actions.  If one works through it, the way to deal with the offending party is much more effective and powerful than doing it in the midst of anger.

I grew up in a family where being polite was valued and extremely important. Thus, being angry was not acceptable behavior.  When my father got angry, it was time to escape and hide which I did very effectively.  Most of my brothers and sisters became adept at hiding too.  Interesting that we weren't allowed to get angry but my father could get angry.

I wasn't an angry child but I was a child with a lot going on both in my heart and spirit.  I wanted to express myself and to be heard.  I was told by my mother that I was like a matchstick, always lighting up at the slightest movement.  I know she found my energy surprising and she wasn't entirely comfortable with it.  Later, in my early twenties in my first job, I was told I was like a "firecracker" so obviously there was a common thread in people's perception of me.  At work, it was seen as a positive trait.  It was never anger, it is just who I am.  I had - and I still have - a lot of fire inside of me.  Then and now, it is good fire.

As a result of our upbringing there is quite a bit of repressed anger in some of my siblings. I see it clearly and it's tough to be within reach of it.  I don't necessarily feel I have to deal with their anger although if it comes in my direction I protect myself from it.

Anger is like an ugly animal that appears when one least expects it.  I mostly observe it and don't react to it when it comes my way.  Thanks to my yoga practice, I haven't engaged in being part of that dance in a while.   Yoga has taught me that I don't have to react to external forces.  I have also learned that feeling anger is okay, I just don't have to act or say something in anger.

What makes me really angry is when I am lied to...not feeling anger at that is something that I haven't conquered yet.  Recently, I was lied to after an interview and I was extremely angry for two weeks.  I  held off answering an email full of lies - sent from the guy that interviewed me to justify why I wouldn't move to the next step in the hiring process -  for two weeks so that I wouldn't let the depth of my anger make me say the wrong thing.  It was very hard not to send him a scathing email.  No matter the circumstances, that is the best approach.  To wait till anger subsides before saying anything to the offending party. Otherwise, one loses automatically as it becomes an issue of winning or losing and the fighting escalates further.

I insulted the guy that lied to me several times in my head and I fumed for two weeks.  I believe it's healthy to fully feel the emotion and then let go of it.  After I worked through all that rage, I wrote a masterful email - or so I thought - in response to the slanderous email he wrote and I felt like a winner. Then I copied his boss who had already interviewed me and thought well enough of me as a candidate to ask me to be interviewed by this liar.  I didn't get the job because his company supported him - in the United States and most other countries there are a lot of legal ramifications when admitting any wrongdoing in writing - but who wants to work in such a dog-eat-dog environment?  At least I was able to uncover his deceit and unethical behavior as my email made it evident that he had lied. I wouldn't have been able to write the same email had I not taken the time to think everything through.

That's true in everything...a calm head and heart will always prevail.