Angels in our midst...

Angels from "The Coronation" by Alessandro Botticelli

There are angels around us all the time.  Not only those from the angelic realm, archangels and other angels that help us along, but those angels that are with us in this lifetime whether they are still alive or not.  They could be friends, family members or perfect strangers.  They lend a hand when we are in despair, they smile at us when we are sad, they say the perfect words to give us hope when we need to hear those words.

If we open our heart to those in the angelic realm or in heaven and ask for their help - that is all they need, permission from us - they will come and help us.  In this transformation I am going through, I have asked for their help once again - I believe strongly they are with me even now as I write about them. In literature, I learned they are the messengers from God.  In Greek, "angelos" means messenger.  I know they also carry our messages to God - any God or Higher Power you may believe in.

Sometimes these angels act through other angels that are around us during our lifetime. They appear as friends, members of our family or strangers.   One of my dearest friends lights a candle for me in a faraway city each time I have an interview.  An old colleague of mine, a senior executive in a blue chip company, supports me consistently in my job search with both words and actions.  A friend that was unable to help me professionally all of a sudden offered me her home at the last possible minute.  The mover gave me a big price break and did an amazing job with the move, treating each of my belongings with thought and care.  Those are a few of many examples of angels that have come my way lately. They keep on appearing.

I am always moved to tears when I encounter one of them, their power is so strong that I recognize immediately what is happening.  I am also not quite sure why I even deserve such attention and help.  It is inspiring.  It motivates me to be a better person, more conscious, kinder to others.  I know I can do that through my daily interactions with everybody and through my work - I know I'll do it once again through my work.  Change the world.  Sounds ambitious.

We all have the ability and the power to change the world.  I am not driven by ego nor ambition but I am driven to change the world because I know that is why I am here.  Even if it is one person at a time.  Even with all my faults and limitations.  That is why I am here.  (I started writing about this from a philosophical standpoint in my post, Purpose and Meaning on February 17th, 2011).

Thank you, beautiful angels...stay with me.  My heart is yours.  Always.  

Shaima Ghassaniya and King Abdullah

Love and Peace Symbol (Arabic)

I am writing about this topic with the utmost respect for Saudi Arabia and the rest of the Arab countries.   I admire them and their culture tremendously.  It has been more difficult to admire their past policies towards women or to admire the people that have taken their religious beliefs to an extreme where love and compassion are not present.  It is fair to say that all religions have suffered from extremism, but I don't want to digress as this post is about women.

It is extremely encouraging to see that King Abdullah pardoned Shaima Jastania (also spelled Ghassaniya) who was sentenced to 10 lashes earlier this week because she was caught driving.  After all, it's just a matter of time before women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia.  Saudi Arabia is known for its conservative stance towards women, I believe they are not allowed to be in public unless they are with a male family member, either a husband or a relative.  However, there are forward-looking Arab leaders in the royal family who have advanced women's rights in Saudi Arabia such as Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal (founder and CEO of the very successful Kingdom Holding Company) who attended United States universities.  Even though he is the head of his Foundation, there are women - including his wife - with key positions in running the Foundation.  The work of the Foundation is truly admirable and hope to work with them one day - as I intend to create a company focused on women one day.

Change will take place slowly because for many centuries there has been widespread belief that women do not have the same rights as men.  I commend King Abdullah for not only pardoning Shaima Jastania but also for his decree issued a few days ago that women have the right to vote and to run for local political seats. There are many very intelligent and admirable women in Saudi Arabia and in other Arab countries that are able to contribute significantly to the betterment of society.

Change.  Wonderful to see it coming to Saudi Arabia in such a positive way for women!

Jarring...

I'm still recovering from the experience of moving out of my apartment and all the complications that ensued, including having to change plans of where I would stay after the move at the last possible minute. The entire experience was jarring, painful and even violent at some levels.  During my last night in New York I didn't know if I was going to make it through the night.  My nerves were on edge to an extreme level, similar to the image in picture above.  I have no idea how I made it to the plane the following morning.

I looked up the definition of "nervous breakdown" a couple of days ago to see if that fit with what I experienced but apparently that applies to so many different diagnoses, who knows?  All I know is that the experience was extremely difficult.

I am very happy to be in Florida with nice, warm, weather and with welcoming friends...I moved temporarily into a friend's apartment that faces the ocean.  Having water so close is very soothing to me.  I am lucky to have the ocean so near, it's right in front of me.  Can't wait to swim in it.  But I miss home.  I miss New York.  How I feel sort of reminds me of when ET was plaintively saying, "ET, go home".  On the other hand, maybe New York isn't even my home.  I know the answer already.  Home is not in this planet.  Any way you slice it, I am confused about what the word "home" means to me in this planet.

I haven't figured out everything that happened yet.  Will I ever figure what I want to figure out?  That is the question of my life.  So many questions, so few answers.  Figuring out to me would include understanding all the dynamics of what happened in New York, I only understand partially what went on.  What I totally don't understand are the spiritual implications of it all.  And, that my friend, is the most important part to figure out.

If we believe in the soul, the soul is all knowing, it knows everything already.  But at least in my case, my soul is not always conversing with me allowing me to I understand the contracts and agreements I made before arriving in this world.

So I remain confused and in pain.  Bruised.

All I ask for are messages from my guides and angels to put me in the right direction, whatever that may be.  But please put me in the right direction towards happiness...enough of everything else!  Really!

I have been receiving some messages and I have followed through on them - let's see where they lead.  

Integrity

According to some studies out there, moving is supposed to be the most stressful activity one may tackle, other than going through a death in the family.  It's high up in the food chain of situations causing a significant amount of stress.

I started my move a few months ago in various phases.  The first phase consisted of donating or throwing things out depending on their condition, shredding documents that were of no use to me anymore, etc., etc.  A friend told me yesterday she didn't think I had that much stuff to go through but that is because she didn't see the closet space (stuffed with things) I had.  A month before the move I called the movers, started the storage space selection process and focused on the logistics of the move.  The building's staff was incredibly helpful, while they had the right to show my apartment during the last 30 days I was there, they didn't show it to anybody.  Who does that?  Only an amazing set of people.  Everyone in the building was extremely helpful.

I have moved a few times but this was the most painful move of all.  It may have to do with the fact that New York is a vortex of energy and everything and anything is more complicated and hard.  It may also have to do with the overall level of help and support I received from my friends and family in New York.

The first few moves I had were handled by the company I was working for at the time. Some of my friends helped tremendously with the personal things I didn't want the moving company to handle.  I didn't ask for help, my friends offered their help and wouldn't take no for an answer.  In a more recent example, when I moved from California to New York a few years ago, I had three friends that helped me a lot, especially one that made it a point to be present and to offer her help at all times.  Unconditionally.  She was very busy with her life but still made sure she was there for me.  I appreciated it and in the process of moving, we had a lot of fun as well.  So I must say that my experience with moves - particularly my move from California to New York - ranked high as a positive experience.

That is until this move.  I had decided to put things in storage so that I could be free to take a job wherever it appeared without being encumbered by the lease of an apartment and what breaking it would entail.  One friend offered help and I accepted, he was very helpful and I helped him as well by paying him for his time and effort.  My brother offered help for a couple of days and was helpful but in the end it was not a pleasant experience.  He couldn't help reacting to my move in a very negative way.  He tends to do that when his sense of security is threatened by someone that doesn't live in fear. The rest of my friends were busy with their own lives and priorities or traveling out of the country.

In this time frame, my aunt became ill and while it didn't seem she was gravely ill, she died during the last week of the move so she was definitely seriously ill.  I was so busy I couldn't even call her as she was expecting.  The rest of the family was focused on her well-being and I knew that - I should have called her anyway.  Thankfully, I believe that she is more present in my life in spirit than when she was alive but it still weighs on me that I didn't call her.   Those are the things in life - major mistakes one makes - that one has to live with and learn from so that one may give the right priority to choices one makes on a day-to-day basis.  No matter how crazy busy and stressed I was there is no excuse I can come up with for not calling her and giving her moral support.  She needed that support and I should have thought of that instead of selfishly thinking only about myself and my stress.  There is always someone in more need than I am, it's very important to remember that.  So I have no excuse for not calling her and helping her.  None.

I won't go into other details that compounded what was a very difficult situation because I dealt with them separately.  Suffice to say that instead of being in New York for a few more weeks, I had to leave New York to New Jersey first and then to Florida.  Those options appeared miraculously - without me asking for anything - in a timespan of about 24 hours.  It felt - and feels today - as if my angels swooped me up saying, "Don't worry, you are protected, we are here".  That is the only explanation I have about those miracles showing up for me when I was having a hard time thinking straight.

My assessment of the whole situation is that people - and I am included in the definition of "people" - show who they are by how they behave particularly under stressful situations.  It helps to get through confusing situations if one has a bit of empathy (please read my view on it, Empathy on August 4th).  I certainly demonstrated no empathy for my aunt. And, being a highly sensitive person doesn't mean one may forget that others are sensitive as well.  We are all in this together.  Everyone involved learned something from the experience, me included.  Waiting for a train for what seemed hours yesterday, these lyrics from a Beatles' song came to mind:

"And in the end,
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make."

I am proud I followed my intuition and my heart to guide me in what was an incredibly stressful and muddled situation as most moves are...I am also proud I expressed what I thought about how I felt whenever possible which also requires courage.   Most people are uncomfortable and aren't used to others stating how they feel about something and for the most part take that input personally.  Stating how one feels is a personal statement and it has nothing to do with the other person - not everyone understands that fact.  If someone takes how someone else feels personally it's up to that person to learn something about himself/herself in the process.

Courage.  To be who you are and state your truth.  I don't seem to be able to compromise with my truth.  It's not good or bad but it is who I am and it comes at a price.  It also has its own reward.

I'm including something I read years ago when the subject of personal integrity became very important to me:


The Light of Integrity by Heraclitus

“The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the full light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose what you think and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny, it is the light that guides your way.”

September 11th: The Day New York Changed and Those Heroic Firefighters...

Ladder 1, Engine 7:  The Miracle House

Today I feel pain.  An unbearable amount of pain.  As a New Yorker, September 11th is a day never to be forgotten despite the pain it brings back.

I was in California that fateful day.  I had an interview around 7:00 a.m. Pacific time, 10:00 a.m. New York time.  The executive I was interviewing was in New York but didn't know clearly what was going on and neither did I.  I knew that something horrible had happened because two friends from New York had called me right around the time the first plane hit. They had heard the plane fly very low next to their apartments.  My television had been stolen by the movers that moved me from New York and I hadn't bought a new one.  I had to go to a friend's house in Hermosa Beach to find out what had happened.  All I remember is watching the sight of the towers coming down and each single time I would say "I don't believe it, I don't believe it".  That's all I could say because it was beyond belief to see those towers come down.

 I was supposed to go to New York on September 12th.  All flights were cancelled.  I took the first flight out which was on Saturday morning, September 16th.  I wasn't afraid.  I brought a cable with me to fight off any potential hijackers on the plane - I felt ready.

When I got to New York, I immediately headed to my friend's apartment in Soho, blocks away from the World Trade Center.  I could see the flames and the smoke all the way from 34th Street.  As I got closer to where the towers used to be, I could feel the particles of the buildings in my throat.  Restaurants in Soho were offering champagne to everyone that passed by.  I had a glass in the name of all the victims.

All those people, all that suffering...it's very hard.  A war against civilians.  It couldn't be more cowardly to go after unarmed civilians.  A woman that left her children at school minutes ago before going to work, a man that traveled from Europe to meet with colleagues at the World Trade Center, another woman that was late to work and missed the attack because she met a celebrity on her way to work (all true stories of the 3,000 plus people that didn't survive the attack.  Father Mychal Judge not able to give  reassuring looks to those unbelievably brave firemen.  It breaks my heart in ways too difficult to express.

New York is my city.  I didn't grow up in New York but spent many important, formative years, in New York.  I remember living in New York city as a 15-year old, not knowing what it all meant, not really communicating with the skyscrapers.  And having difficulty communicating with people as I came with a European accent.  They didn't know what I was saying, I didn't want to hear what they were saying.

Yet New York is an amazing city.  Full of all kinds of people, you can spot at least 10 nationalities in a small radius of New York.  You hear all kinds of languages, most I can recognize but others remain foreign.

And New York people, innocent people, were destroyed by cowards.  Cowards that chose the dark side of religion to destroy others.

Very painful.

So many people showed their invincible and infinite spirits that day.  It is an incredible sad and inspiring day about the power inside each human being.  Those brave and beautiful souls - the firemen - that walked up interminable staircases to save others and those that stopped on their way down as they were going to safety to help those that couldn't move out of fear or because they had been burnt or hurt in the attack.  I saw the documentary about Ladder 1, Engine 7 tonight...one of the many firehouses that face death every single day in order to save other people's lives.  It is called the Miracle House because none of the men in Ladder 1, Engine 7 died on September 11th.  However, there are lingering effects from September 11th related to toxic fumes that the heroic and brave firefighters inhaled as they were trying to recover the remains of the victims of 9/11.  There are many that died as a result of inhaling those fumes.  They are also victims of 9/11.

That's what life is about.  Life and death next to each other.  Our last breadth could be in ten more minutes or less.  Miracles, courage, and an invincible spirit.  And a profound homage to those that didn't make it but are in heaven, proud to have made this beautiful city a place where hearts beat in unison on behalf of others.

Love to all, peace to all...and profound thanks to the heroes of 9/11, many of whom no one knows about.

If you feel inspired to donate to the Firefighters Association, here is the link:  http://www.ufalocal94.org.

Thanks Irene!

Around 9:45 a.m. Battery Park City, all pictures taken near or at the World Financial Center (North Cove)

Fortunately, Irene's mood switched for the better and she moved East from New York City.  Therefore, the dire predictions were not met.   Seems some people in selected areas had some flooding but no loss of life was reported in the Northeast so far.  That would be tragic and those tragedies have occurred in other cities and countries during a hurricane!

Mayor Bloomberg bet on the side of caution - as he should in order to prevent loss of lives - and attempted to evacuate 370,000 people in the low-lying areas.  Most people heeded this warning.  I didn't know that a mandatory evacuation was a law so I followed my intuition and stayed.  He said people would not be forced out so I took that to mean that there was a level of choice involved.  I found out late last night that it represented breaking the law when it was too late.  I would never knowingly break the law.

Somehow I knew that I would be fine.  I sensed inside that there would not be major issues.  I was prepared for loss of electricity and water but knew that I was not going to be in any kind of danger.  I did avoid most of the news except for occasional updates to prevent getting scared without reason.  The news many times are sensational.  A friend asked that I sleep in the bathtub but because I felt so safe, I slept in my bed, like a baby.

This morning, I woke up at 6:00 a.m., checked progress with the storm, saw that it had weakened and went back to bed until 8:00 a.m.  The strongest impact of Irene was felt in New York City around 8:00 a.m.  At around 9:30 a.m. I took a walk by the river.  Everything quiet, wind strong but have felt stronger wind in this area. About two and a half feet between the height of the river and land so no danger of flooding.  Seems that at the height of the storm some flooding did occur by the debris left by the river (sad that there is so much debris in the Hudson!) but it didn't go far and it was only in a very small area.

Such a beautiful area and yet the river has garbage.  Any garbage in a river is so sad to see!

I was very worried about the boats but fortunately no damage and apparently no water in the boats. This shows the height of the water right by the boats:

After walking for about 45 minutes a New York Police van came by asking people to leave the area.  They are afraid of the unexpected and they err on the side of caution which is fine.  That's when I left.  No sense in more civil disobedience!

Felt so safe!  Enjoying the last few days in my beautiful home!  

Irene

Photo of Jersey City from Battery Park City last fall (2010)

Irene is coming to New York tomorrow and she's not in a good mood.  Seems she's caused havoc already south of New York so New Yorkers are bracing for her wrath.  She could, of course, change her mind, and move further East than expected.  She's unpredictable, though...so we'll have to see what happens.

New York is not used to these kind of weather patterns.  We are certainly used to really extreme weather in terms of ridiculously low or high temperatures in the winter and summer months respectively but an "earthquake" or a "hurricane" is not part of the vernacular.  We have had both an earthquake and now a hurricane just in the span of 7 days.  

There is an impressive display of organization and effective communication from the governments affected by Irene which in the Northeast includes what we call the Tri-State area:  New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.  All the mayors have appealed to the public to evacuate when asked to evacuate and to prepare for Irene's arrival.

I'm prepared.  I am not afraid.  Ready to sleep in the bathtub if necessary although I hear I may need the bathtub for water.  Most of all, preparing move out of my building which is a few days away.  My intuition is that Irene will take pity on us New Yorkers and veer to the right.

Crossing my fingers.

In contrast to a photo I took of the Jersey City almost a year ago posted above, here is a picture earlier today (at around noon):

Jersey City from Battery Park City at noon, the day before Irene's arrival (noon)

Believe in Yourself

From:  mediatoget.blogspot.com

I have been working on decoding what believing in myself means.  While I know this may take a life-time, I keep working on it.

Sometimes it's easier to start to define something by determining what it doesn't mean. Believing in myself doesn't mean working hard towards a goal.  It doesn't mean waking up at a certain time and following a rigorous discipline to feel I am accomplishing something during a given day.  It also doesn't mean meeting with people and talking about where I am headed and what I want.

It is a very subtle and complex process.  After all, life is not easy.  Whatever the process is, it's probably a combination of doing and being. One has to be disciplined in doing what one needs to do to get to one's goals.   But the most important discipline of all is taking the time to "be".  And, "being" means that you take the time to enjoy the present and live the moment without fear.  It means having an unwavering belief that you can do anything.  That you can create your future the way you want to and that all you do - whatever that may be - will get you there.  It also means that you don't beat yourself up when you don't accomplish all you (or others) think you should have achieved in a day, or a week, or in 8 months.  It means making a fool of yourself when you answer the wrong question in any group game and not feel you have become stupid all of a sudden.  Or thinking that because you didn't choose a creative answer you are no longer creative as you have always been.

The question is how to maintain that belief in yourself.  Affirmations definitely help. Repeating a certain affirmation that you create and repeat on a daily basis to yourself or whenever during the day you feel the negative tape starting to run in your mind again.

As an example, I have been throwing out a lot of stuff from my apartment that serves no purpose.  Mainly, I am getting rid of papers which I kept because the past in some ways gives me comfort.  However, a lot of negative thoughts crept up as I was reading some of the documents since they brought back bad memories.  So today I am repeating,  "I am willing to forgive everyone and heal my past."  I am also repeating, "I have the power to create the life I want."  I also create affirmations at random depending on the circumstance.  It keeps the negative tape on  mute.  It's a war!  I have definitely declared war to negative thinking.

Living in the moment helps in a period of transition.  Transitions are good, particularly once the transition is over, and while one is going through them the best is to enjoy the present. That is the only thing that is certain. If you are interested on more thoughts regarding the period when you are crossing the bridge from one place to one you have never visited before, please read Transition on May 15th.

Reading some of what Louise Hay has written has helped me tremendously at times over the past few years.  She wrote several books about healing yourself (www.louisehay.com) through positive affirmations and intentions.  I first wrote about her in my post Stress, on April 28th.  I accessed her website today and the download she offers for free "Stress Free" is still available.  It helps.  I am a strong believer in using absolutely anything that helps in life.

I'm not giving up...I'd be giving up in myself and my own power.

We are able to overcome everything.  We can create a bountiful and blissful life!

To Roam...

I believe there is a perfect order in each of our lives.  Even as I have embarked on the tedious and laborious process of moving from my beloved home, I realize that there is something better ahead.  Something different that will make me as happy or more than today.

Moving is not fun at all.  It is incredibly disrupting both in terms of the physical aspects as well as it breaks one's concentration on whatever one is focused on at the time.  I'm still focused on identifying the right job opportunity which in itself is quite time-consuming - it's akin to a full-time job.  I'm also focused on creating a company which involves quite a bit of reading, assimilating, imagining, thinking, etc., etc.  It's a lot of work but it's enjoyable.

Only thing I have been able to come up as enjoyable about moving is discarding stuff that one forgets even exists in some corner of the closet that has absolutely no use to me anymore.  Maybe it has use for someone else so if it's in good condition, I have been donating these items.  Getting rid of things allows the new to come in.

The most important message I have been getting is that because there is a perfect order in everything in my life, this is the right step.  It's exciting not to know what comes next.  In many ways, it's what similar to the work I like to do best - creating the future.  It's also very good not to be constrained by structural issues such as an apartment and belongings - I am once again free to roam.  I need that in this lifetime.

Getting the chance to roam again and explore...how lucky!  The challenge will be about making the right choices to make sure I end up with the right job, in the perfect place...so it is about roaming in the sense that I will have less things that tie me down but it will be about roaming with a clear sense of direction and focus so that I get there.  I realize there is a danger in losing the focus so that's a real challenge going forward.

Roaming and staying focused...are they compatible?  I guess I'll find out...

Compassion

Just as I finished my post on Empathy yesterday where I expressed my feelings about my brother's lack of empathy, I felt compassion for him creeping in.  That's one of the weaknesses of those of us born under the rule of the Moon.   We have, for the most part, a soft heart.

I wish that was true of others as well.  Being ruled by one's heart has its amazing benefits and its hurtful outcomes as well.  Isn't duality part of everything?  I am also a very sensitive human being, mostly everything around me affects me.  That is tough.  Movies, TV, books I read, people I meet, music I hear,  etc.  I have to constantly monitor what I am exposed to in order to be able to manage the amount of suffering I feel.  Which is why when encountering someone like my brother - and there are others like him - with rough edges that pierce the skin, those wounds take time to heal.

And then, despite lack of consciousness from my brother of how I may feel as a result of his stinging words,  compassion for him creeps in.  I don't think he knows any better.  He has no clue.  Which doesn't mean that his behavior is justified.  I also don't feel the responsibility to teach him.  I must always speak up to defend myself but not with the intention to change him.  Whatever compels him to be so hurtful runs very deep.  As perfect as we can be, we are also flawed human beings.  I accepted years ago one cannot change anybody.  It's like an addiction, the addict has to want and decide to change himself or herself.  The key is not to enable destructive behavior regardless of what that is.

So love and compassion win the day.  Compassion is probably the one element that gives the world a chance to be saved. The  fact that, no matter how hurtful someone else may be towards us, we are able to forgive and move forward is healing.  It's healing towards ourselves and healing towards others.  It heals the world.

I humbly claim absolutely no credit for feeling compassion.  Just as I feel pain when someone is insensitive and cruel towards me, feeling compassion is not something I am able to control.  It just sneaks in and surprises me.  Just as I feel unconditional love for him although it is my responsibility to take care of myself in the midst of his unconsciousness.  Compassion is a feeling I welcome.  It doesn't mean I'm better than anyone.  I have no idea what it means.  It is what it is.

I can guarantee it's much better than feeling resentful!

Empathy

In the context of how people are so different as I wrote in my post Judgment on August 1st , I have come to accept that some people don't have the capacity for empathy.  Rather than categorize them as being mentally ill - I recall that lack of empathy is a symptom for mental illness - I feel sad for them.  My guess is that most people avoid them.  It is hurtful to encounter them in life. It is particularly hurtful when one of these people is a family member.

My older brother and I were talking about my job prospects last week.  Out of nowhere (since I had not mentioned the topic nor did I intend to do so) he said that his money was tied up, that he couldn't lend me any.  I was so shocked at his comment that I didn't say anything.  In reality, I don't feel comfortable asking for help of any kind and I have a problem receiving in general (that is an issue I have to conquer).  In fact, I have never asked or received money from anyone in my family.

I just wrote about judgment earlier this week so I will refrain from judging him.  All I can say is how different we are.  I also have to say that his attitude is hurtful as well as very unappealing to me.  He has consistently acted this way.  I find it hard to want to spend time with him.  In my cellular structure, I am of the belief that if I am able to I give help without waiting to be asked, especially if it's a family member or a close friend.  The only condition I give myself is that I have to be well first to be able to help others.

I remember being inspired when reading Victor Hugo's The Hunchback of Notre Dame as a little girl, someone in that novel (I haven't read it since then so I don't recall the name of the character) was willing to give his life for someone else.  That may be an extreme act but I remember it was very inspiring to read about such a selfless and giving act.  I would consider doing something similar if and when I'm ready to go to the other side.

On the flip side, I have a friend who is the opposite of my brother.  She's at the other extreme.  She will help everyone and compromise herself constantly as a result of that.  That is also not helpful to her and sometimes, it's also not helpful to the people she is trying to help.  They end up depending on her for everything while they could be learning to fend for themselves, learning to be independent.  My friend ends up putting herself in highly pressurized situations financially and otherwise.  She doesn't have to be constantly struggling as a result of giving too much of herself and her resources.

There is nothing better than being self-sufficient and independent.  At least for me.  My grandmother always talked about that. She felt it was not appropriate for a woman to be asking her husband for money for her essential needs or for anything.  She felt women should have their own money and buy whatever they want and when they want it.   I know she was talking about women within our culture and background that have the opportunity to study and the opportunity to work. Not all women are so lucky.

In the end, we will all behave as our nature dictates.  In my case, had my brother given me some empathy and words of encouragement that would have gone a long way to help me.  Yes, winning the lottery would also help but I'm not counting on that!

So when a friend or family seems in trouble, suggest you start by being empathetic...

Today

Today is all we have.

And that is the truth.  I have been worrying about what will happen in September or October.  What a waste of time.  I can't predict it.  No one can.

Even though I have tried to get a glimpse of the future, it's a very flawed endeavor.  Things change.  Maybe for good reason.  Is it the planets?  Is it destiny?  Is it because my energy is not aligned so no matter what I do I will not move forward?  Is it Mercury Retrograde which lasts until the end of August?  Who knows which one of these forces are at work?

All I know is that I am able to plan for TODAY.  And even that sometimes doesn't go as planned.  Yes, there is a minimum of planning that must occur, saving money for an important expenditure we know it's coming, making sure surgery is not scheduled the day my sister is getting married, etc.  Other than that, what I am feeling these days about my future is as if I'm looking down a cauldron where a tornado is raging.  It's a little bit like looking into a large crystal ball only it's a big cauldron where things are happening.  There is an element of destruction involved.  Will my house be standing?  Will my car still be in the garage? There is also an element of renewal.  Why not think that starting from nothing is part of the excitement?  I could reinvent myself.  I wouldn't have "things" to worry about, no structures like home or office to consider.  Freedom.  The ultimate aphrodisiac.  I'm so ready to fly.  I'm always ready to fly.

I know there will be change in the landscape after the tornado passes but I have no idea what it will look like.  It's not easy.  As much as you brainwash yourself to believe, to have faith, to be optimistic...it's not easy.

When is the tornado over so that I can get a glimpse of the new landscape is what I say? While glimpses don't appear and signs are not apparent, I'm creating my own view of what it could look like.  In the meantime, I must focus on right now.

So today is going well.  I must refocus on the brainwashing part of the equation.  I will get through it all.  And then I'll look into the cauldron and see this beautiful garden, full of flowers of all sizes and colors.

Maybe my pink elephants will be there.  My pink elephants.  I miss you so. 

Judgment

I am conscious when I'm judging others.  It does happen although I try to curtail that kind of behavior as much as I can.  Sometimes it sneaks by all my established controls.

It's hard.  It helps if I think that we are all so different.  We have different genes, different home environment, different schools, different everything even if we may live in the same town or the same country.  Understanding that while we may seem the same we are all different for a myriad of reasons.  That helps me in not going all out in judging others.

A friend called me today from Italy.  She was asking about one of my brothers.  She couldn't understand why my brother doesn't behave in the same indifferent way as her brother.  She said her brother doesn't call her, doesn't communicate with her and shared many other things she's unhappy about.  I tried to explain her brother is a separate, unique, human being.  Different values, different family dynamics, different person, etc., etc.  It was difficult for her to understand that.  She kept comparing our respective brothers.  I know the focus was on the wrong place.  She couldn't understand he was a separate human being than she was and that her expectations had no place in the context of how he was behaving when push came to shove (American expression that, in this context, means that he would behave whichever way he wanted to behave).

Dare I say that the most important difference we have with each other is our soul?

I think that's where it starts. It's about our souls.  We have different souls.  Some of us are old souls, some of us are younger souls.  So respecting differences are paramount.  We don't have to understand how people's priorities, desires, and motivations may be so different.  What we need is to accept is that we are different and go on from there.

We can't be in somebody's else's skins.  We don't know what is in their hearts and souls. So I propose less judging and more accepting.  Live and let live.  Is it possible?

Ode to Richard Serra: Infinite Space

Richard Serra (American, b. 1939). “Institutionalized Abstract Art, 1976/2011.” Collection of the artist ©
(This was my favorite piece in the exhibition although I loved all of it!). 

Art inspires me deeply.  When someone creates anything that inspires, moves and touches that part of me that is perfect, the part of me that is divine...that is art for me.  And we all have a part within us that is pure and divine.

Speaking of definitions, I saw a Richard Serra exhibition today at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Richard Serra Drawing:  A Retrospective.  Richard Serra is one of those multi-talented, brilliant artists that defies definition.  The first contemporary art exhibition in the grande dame of museums in the United States, the Metropolitan Museum of Art,  has ever exhibited is the Richard Serra exhibition.  I had seen some of his sculptures in the past and I love his work.  I had never seen his work on paper until today.

This exhibition made a huge impact on me.  So deep it's hard to put into words. I have seen other works by painters such as de Kooning and Pollock in black and white.  My own humble drawings are also in black and white so that alone resonates strongly with me. There is something about the contrast of white against black and black against white which leaves limitless space in between.

Richard Serra is beyond impressive...to give you a sense of how infinite he is, he says:

"If I define a work and sum it up within the boundary of definition given my intention, that seems to be a limitation on me and an imposition on other people on how to think about the work.  It has nothing to do with my activity or art.  The significance of the work is in its effort not in its intention and that effort is a state of mind, an activity, an interaction of the world." (I may not be quoting exactly, I looked at a book in passing.  I have to get it. It's called Richard Serra Drawing: A Retrospective, Menil Collection).

Something else he said as he described the San Francisco shipyard where his father worked as a pipe-fitter as another important influence to his work, “All the raw material that I needed is contained in the reserve of this memory which has become a reoccurring dream." What Richard Serra says is like poetry to me.  I understand it.

His thoughts speak to my soul.  His work speaks to my soul.  Thank you, Richard Serra!

We may be from the same planet.  So happy to know I'm not alone.

Beyond Representation, Venice Notebook 2001, Richard Serra

If you are hungry for more as I am, below is a URL you may paste in your browser of a video where Richard Serra is interviewed by Charlie Rose.  By the way, Richard Serra was born in San Francisco.  His father was from Spain and his mother was from Russia.  His background is as vast as his thoughts.  Please note in this video the breadth of Richard's thoughts - and his emphasis on the "process of making".  And, when he talks about a "pipe fitter", he knows what he's talking about, his father was one.  Isn't it fascinating how what we are exposed to during our childhood shapes much of our future?

http://youtu.be/ngJeTA4CUSA



Note:  For my U..S readers, there is a  PBS program on Richard Serra this coming Sunday, July 7th, noon, Eastern Daylight Time.  What a treat!

Update:  If July 7th date has passed, please go to www. pbs.org to see if you can watch the video.

Heartbroken II

From TreeHugger.com

Loss is what causes heartbreak.  Loss of so many things.  Loss of a family member, loss of a friend.  Breaking up with a boyfriend that doesn't quite get it or being dumped by someone because I don't get it...also seeing so many kids and people being killed in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Norway.  I wrote in a similar fashion when nature unleashed its force in Japan in my post Heartbroken on March 13th, 2011.

Being a lifelong traveler, I know all countries have their beauty.  Their beauty is enhanced in my eyes when I have a friend from the country itself.  I haven't had the pleasure - although it's on my list - to visit Norway yet.  My friend has told me so much about his family and his country that I feel I know its pristine beauty and its down to earth culture.  It's environmentally conscious, people are very community oriented...there are countless great things about Norway.

Regardless of the country, destruction by nature or senseless killing is very hurtful to all of us.  Whether it's what happened in Japan earlier this year, the recent bombing in Mumbai, or this latest terrorist attack in Norway, it reminds us all not only of the fragility of life but of the constant horror in front of us.  On one side of the road, a beautiful garden.  On the opposite side, an abyss.  Yes, there is constant evolution in nature, lions killing deer to eat which ultimately sustains the ecosystem. There are earthquakes that will level a city and kill most of its residents.  It's nature.  While none of that makes sense and is painful to watch, I have more trouble reconciling myself with a human being destroying others for absolutely no reason.

We may find out this person was ideologically opposed to the government and to the political nature of the camp in Norway.  Who cares?  Everyone has a right to think what they wish about their beliefs!  What no one has the right to do is to act against others because of their religious persuasion or their ideological beliefs or their gender or their sexuality.

We are all the same.  Most of us strive to be happy, to love, to receive love, to live in peace, to thrive as much as we can while we are in this planet.  I don't understand violence and destruction aimed at other human beings at all.  It is very hurtful.  It causes anguish in my heart and in the hearts of millions just to watch it.

This has happened since the beginning of time but I don't get it.  The day I get it, I will be kicked out of the Idealist Society.

Love and healing to Norway!

Whatever...

Add captioconfluence.crbs.ucsd.edu:  Amygdala

When I was living in Los Angeles, one of my wisest and most profound yoga teachers would remind his classes constantly of the power of the word "whatever" in our lives.

This word has many meanings.  It has multi-faceted applications.  It is about moving on when you need to move on and saying "whatever" as a way to end the endless introspection and analysis that moving on from things we don't want to move from imply. It could about an ex-boyfriend, a nasty boss, an abusive family member, etc., etc.  It is also about deciding to let sleeping dogs lie when you know that while there is something that you could explore further - like being given the cold shoulder by a friend from no apparent reason - you decide it's not worth your time and energy for some reason coming from inside of you.  At a more profound level, it is also about accepting life's ups and downs without engaging emotionally in the drama of being either enthusiastic or in mourning depending on whether you are going up or down. Whatever rarely means to me that you don't care...there is an implication that there is a conscious decision one's made behind the use of the word.

I am feeling a little bit sarcastic today.  A friend just called about going to a movie.  This is a friend that likes to watch the kind of movies that are so disturbing I end up having nightmares for several days unless I consciously decide the plot is not believable.  She proposed seeing a movie tomorrow and I said I would research it to make sure it wasn't depressing.  I said, "I wouldn't want to throw myself out the window after seeing this movie since I live above a balcony".  I also made a couple of other similar jokes and she  said that my humor was a little dark today.  I think sarcastic is more like it.  I once read - I don't remember the source - that idealists are the most sarcastic.  I don't know how true that is although I would include myself as part of the Idealist Society, that very exclusive association where only sensitive and idealistic people are accepted.  There aren't too many of us in New York, at least I haven't met a significant critical mass of kindred spirits just yet.

I woke up with a funny sense of humor today.  Maybe my amygdala is more active today than other days - or maybe it's the pingala?

Whatever...

Truth

This is a truly infinite topic.  It has endless angles.

There is the aspect of truth that is about our truth, who we think we are and what we think we strive for and motivates us.  Then there is the aspect of truth of how people see us.  Do they see us for who we are or do they have an impression of the personae that we project, never truly being able to understand who we are?  And then there is the whole concept of what is real versus of what is not real.  The whole thing is very, very, complex.  Someone used to tell me:  "There's your truth, there's the other person's truth and then there's the truth".   To summarize, truth is quite elusive.

I go back to what I raised in my post, What is Real? posted on July 8th.  As I told my very best friend in the world "probably one thing we can count on as being real are our feelings". That means we have to trace back our feelings to the source.  Do we feel hurt because the person involved has been showing consistent disregard for who we are and we have reached our limit?  Or does it remind us of how we were treated by our parents when we were growing up - largely ignored?  The possibilities of the source of our feelings are endless.

It doesn't really matter.  The source is irrelevant.  It is impossible to trace back to the origin of our feelings.  Was it the nun that berated me for stealing a book I didn't steal when I was five years old?  That is an endless investigation that would drive anyone crazy.

So what's important is to feel.  To feel the hurt and to feel the joy and to feel the disappointment.  And to know that it's real.  And to honor that.  To feel is a luxury in itself.  With all the stimulation around us, it's hard to distinguish what we feel as human beings with what we are "encouraged" to feel by what the media presents to us on a daily basis.

Feel.  You are alive.  What a wonderful gift.  You can deal with anything if you choose to do so.  And, most important, be optimistic about your life.  It's all about building.  Building relationships, building confidence within yourself and building your life based on how you deal with your reality  today.

That's what I'm doing.  Stay tuned.

I Am

My birthday was last week.  I love my birthday despite the fact that the numbers seem to consistently go up.  I have decided that from this birthday on, my numbers are moving downwards, not upwards!  After all, it's my birthday!

I have had many existential dilemmas lately. I usually wonder about things like what am I doing here and why does this happen now, where will I be next year, etc., etc.  Basically, I am trying to find some logic to life and I mostly come up empty handed.  I explore unconventional avenues to find out more about the unknown believing that there is so much more out there that we may access for guidance.  Nonetheless, I still swim in murky waters when it comes to having a clear picture of my life and all of its complexities.

So I try to live day-by-day.  That seems much easier than trying to predict the future, even if we are talking about next week.

Going back to my birthday.  I decided to have a peaceful picnic by myself.  My family invited me to dinner that night and I wanted to just sit by the river - my most favorite place in the world is in front of a river or an ocean - and read the New York Times in the afternoon.  You would think you can't do that in New York but New York has everything!  Including the possibility of sitting by the river.  So wonderful!

Of course, a celebration would not have been complete for me unless I had a chilled rosé wine and ate a delicious lobster roll.  I could see boats of all sizes and colors parading their sails as peacocks parade their beautiful tails.  It was perfect.

Then the phone rang,   A very dear friend was calling me to congratulate me on my birthday from a far away land.   When we hung up, I realized that I exist to a great degree because I exist for my friends and family.  Not only because they care about me but because they remember me and they bring me into their lives.  I also exist for them when I bring them into my life when important things happen or simply when they reach out to me for help and I am there.  Present.

Still so much to figure out.  Understanding how I exist in my family's and friend's lives extends my sense of being to a degree I wasn't conscious before.  It makes me feel immortal in some ways because I'll always exist in their lives even though once I go to the other side I will pick up a different communication line other than the phone.  It will be a more direct and more constant way of communicating.  They will hear me if they pay attention.

How great is that?

I am sticking around in this planet to find out what comes next and where I make my mark in this world although I vividly remember how the other side is such an amazing place.  I still remember my pink elephants, and the infinite beauty of an endless garden with flowers of all colors and types.  I also remember all those crystal buildings with light shining from and through them (please read Pink Elephants posted on February 24th).  I have two earthly feet planted firmly on this planet and one spiritual foot here while my other spiritual foot is definitely home.  Not rushing to get there but it feels good to know it's there.

Always There

By Ruth Thompson

Lately I have had opportunities to appreciate how much I am protected from above.  My angels are the Archangels that are present in my life and my guardian angels that help me along the way.  I also have guides that are friends and family that are on the other side but that remain very connected to me.  I am very grateful for everyone's presence and help.

I have been feeling very protected.  I was experiencing quite a bit of turmoil and disruption and feeling exposed and vulnerable.  Unsafe.  Now I know I am protected.  I am extremely thankful not only for the protection I know I have but for being aware of it.  Being aware makes all the difference in the world.

Once I realized that I was surrounded by this wall of protection, I felt relaxed.  I went through weeks of being so relaxed I was unable to make decisions.  I have now assimilated the awareness of this layer of protection  in my life in a different way, in a very direct way, and I am able to move forward.  Having protection doesn't mean one waits without doing anything.  I am still accountable and responsible for my life.  Now I have a path, confidence and I am mostly optimistic. About 90% optimistic.  That is a high percentage considering the much lower numbers prevalent just a few weeks ago.

I can face anything.  I am protected. We are all protected.  It's very important to keep that in mind even in our moments of doubt.

How do we know that what is around the corner isn't so much better than what we have in our lives today?  I am willing to bet everything that it will be better.

Thank you, beautiful angels!

What is Real?

I was with one of my dearest friends the other day.  I don't quite remember the overall context of our conversation but whatever it was, I felt compelled to remind her that only our feelings are real.

In the midst of so much that goes on with our lives, it is hard to find the compass to let us know in which direction we should go towards.  It is not just about what happens in our lives, it is also about what goes on around us.  And there is a lot that is going on around us right now.  Just listening to the news reminds us of the mass confusion that exists. Whether it's about jobs, about climate change, about wars, about the dire financial predictions about Greece, etc., etc.  It is endless.  And sometimes it feels that we are at the edge of something yet to happen.  It's hard to assimilate all that goes on around us.

The one thing we may trust are our feelings.  At least for the most part.  I don't want to be contradictory but  I must clarify that we may trust our feelings when we are conscious human beings that are clear and mature about who we are and what we want.  I know, it's very frustrating.  How do we know when we are clear and being mature versus following raw desire or just fear?  With all the artificiality that technology has brought on, how many times do we need to pinch ourselves and others to make sure we are having a real experience/

For me, yoga helps.  It helps to get clarity of mind and thought.  And also helps me to recognize fear from my own truth.  At least most of the time.

Sometimes the answer lies in being able to distinguish between fear and desire.  Didn't Buddha state that we must be free from both? Mostly, it's about knowing who we are and what are the forces we inherited - or should I say baggage we carry? - versus our real, true, selves that we must honor.

Ah, the magic of living.  Much to live, much to discover, many roads to travel...endless questions.  Few answers.

Brothers Karamazov and New York...

World Trade Financial Center

I walked past the World Trade Financial Center this afternoon. It has a little harbor which is beautiful.  I have seen the most spectacular boats there.  From Johnny Depp's boat to smaller, elegant, simple, sailing boats. There are also some boats that are so big they practically take over the small harbor.  If you read my blog you know I have a thing for boats.

I hang around the port hoping to be invited for a ride.  Someday...

I was just walking along the river and noticed there were a couple of things going on.  There are always things going on in New York.  There was a filming crew setting up near the volleyball court and then there was a band rehearsing closer to the World Trade Financial Center.  I asked what film was being filmed and seems that tomorrow Project Runway will be filmed there.  Project Runway is a TV show about aspiring clothes' designers.

I then walked back to where the band was rehearsing and found out that the wonderful River to River program had brought the band Ivan & Alyosha to New York from Seattle. River to River is a program that promotes the arts and provides all kinds of free activities to New Yorkers and tourists by the river.  It is sponsored by private companies associated with the World Trade Financial Center.  There are concerts, ballets, theater, etc., etc. throughout the summer.  It's a lot of fun.  I decided to stay and listen to Ivan & Alyosha even though the weather in New York has been deplorable.  It's been very humid with constant thunderstorms.  After having the worst winter ever it's hard to complain but hoping it improves!


The band's name was inspired by a conversation between Ivan and Alyosha in Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov during which they discuss the existence of God.  


For your pleasure:  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40eP9Wsfphg


You may also go to their website for more music (www.ivan&alyosha.com) and download their songs via iTunes.  

Ivan & Alyosha — New York, June 22, 2011

Love II

Today I feel full of love.  I feel my heart has expanded to give to all.

First time I wrote about love was in my post on March 21st, on Love.  My attempt to write a poem.

This is not necessarily towards anyone in particular but it is towards everyone.  Much love and compassion to everyone out there.

It's so much easier in life to live in the kingdom of love.  It is a warm place.  It is cuddly.  It is so cozy. It makes me feel wonderful.  Powerful.  Infinite.  Generous.

Love has no boundaries.  It goes across religions, race, gender...any differences are inconsequential.  Love is pure and it touches all of us.

To the world at large, much love to you all.  We will all succeed at what we want to do. Keep the focus on your passions, identify clear goals, work hard to achieve them, have faith...and it will happen!

You can make it happen.  You will make it happen.  Most of all, have faith in yourself. 

Privacy

Writing about privacy is something I have thought about doing many times.  Today is the day.

I have been a devoted Internet user practically from its inception.  It is an easy way to access information and learn about all kinds of topics of interest.  However, I also find that the Internet has resulted in rampant violations of privacy by its millions of users whether they are government institutions, corporations or individuals.

I saw a video last week about a woman that had an angry reaction towards an employee of a transportation company.  Clearly she did not handle this interaction in a constructive and graceful manner.  Her name is now all over the Internet.  The worst part about this incident is that there are no standards to prevent her being maligned and slandered by people that use anonymous handles to speak their mind or just spread stories about her.  What resulted were insults about her nationality and her appearance that seem endless.  Very few comments have been constructive.  Today I read an article in the New York Times about someone being maligned by a competitor online.  While he sued the site for damaging his reputation, the court apparently upheld the notion that because the competitor owned the site but didn't write the content, he did not have grounds to sue.  At least the site apparently was shut down but that was after publishing what the plaintiff stated were lies about him and his employees.

It is telling of how little we have evolved as human beings and tools like the Internet are making that more apparent.  Where is compassion in all of this?

Regarding the video of this woman, what she said or how she said it is not the issue.  That is between the transportation authorities and her.  What is disturbing is the intrusion of having someone video tape you at a most unflattering moment and having that video go viral.  And having the entire world weighing in and sharing information about you.

What is privacy?  To me, it's those areas of your life that you choose not to share. It doesn't matter what these are, it's about being able to keep something to yourself for whatever reasons.  There is less and less of that nowadays.  Someone that is able to video tape me at whim should be illegal.  I know that would not make You Tube very pleased but there have to be some laws to protect one's privacy.  I have nothing against broadcasting with the proper level of permission from individuals.

Per www.privacy.org, the White House website now uses cookies that track users for up to two years (used to be single-session cookies which were deleted when users closed their browsers).  There is no way to opt out of receiving cookies.  This is despite the fact that (also per an article in www.privacy.org) a "new survey from the Center for the Digital Future at the University of Southern California found that almost half of Americans over 16 who use the Internet are worried about businesses watching their online activities. Only 38% worried about the Government doing so".  I am generally worried about anybody infringing on my privacy.  Anybody.  And that includes someone I know going through my drawers or reading my papers at home.

The Internet is a tool that provides everyone with a lot of power.  The US Senate (under the sponsorship of Senator Leahy) is proposing a bill that doesn't quite answer my privacy concerns but it's a start.  However, considering there is not proper legislation to truly protect privacy,  the alternative is to hope that people are compassionate and graceful to those whose mistakes become glaringly obvious to the world as a result of the Internet.

While the Internet gives each one of us a lot of power there is even more power within each and every one of us.   Using that power to help others and to shed the light around us is a way to make this world a better place.  I'm determined that if I make a comment on a blog or an article online it will be with that purpose in mind.  

Hands

There is something about the hands of people I love that inspires me to record those images in my memory bank.

I was taking a walk to get my favorite soup for lunch today and I started to think about the hands of my father.  He died a couple of years ago.  I don't know what triggered the memory.  His hands were absolutely beautiful.  He had very fair skin and they always were very clean.  I felt protected when I saw his hands although he didn't hold my hand very often. As I remembered his hands, I thought of how he did his best to be the head of the family and steer us all in the right direction.   All the pressure was on him because my mother also relied completely on him.  With such free spirits as his daughters, it was difficult for him to do much more than instill his values as the guiding light for our lives.  He definitely succeeded in doing that - although his bar was so high that sometimes my sister and I wonder whether we could be a little less strict and demanding of ourselves.

As I continued to walk, I also remembered my grandmother's hands.  She had warm and perfectly manicured hands always and, as I describe in my post titled The Ring on March 24th, she usually wore a ring that I thought was the most beautiful ring in the world.  I still think that.  Whenever I sat with her as a little girl, I would hold her hand and not let go of her hand for ours as we sat during family get togethers.  Being next to her, was the safest and most loving place to be in her entire house.

As I recalled my mother's hands, I felt sad.  She had hands that needed comfort and protection, especially since she was very ill during the last months of her life.  She had childlike hands, very expressive.  They were constantly moving.  She was very conscious that her intellect, her charm and her mannerisms could convince almost anyone of anything so she used her hands to her advantage.  She was the strongest person I ever met.  A nurse that came to visit her during the last month of her life said that my mother acted as if she was a queen.  I told the nurse, "She is a queen".  That's who she was.  As I looked at her hand in my hand a few hours before she died, I thought her life went by so fast.  It just flew by.  When I remember her hand that day it motivates me to think about my life and my priorities.

Nearing my delicious lunch place, I thought of Tim's hands.  He was my very best friend.  He had long fingers, a very elegant hand.  His hand was constantly tanned because he lived in a tropical city.  He had fingers of a pianist which is not coincidental because he wanted to play the piano his whole life.  He learnt to play as an adult out of sheer passion for the instrument and its sounds. Whenever he was in New York, we went to Carnegie Hall to hear Yevgeny Kissin or any other brilliant pianist in that league.  I can see his right hand distinctly, shifting gears, as he drove me everywhere when we started working together a few years ago.  Remembering his hand gives me peace.  It warms my heart to know that he can hear Beethoven and Mozart and many other amazing pianists whenever he wants to now.

I then thought of Lily's hands.  Lily is a little over a year old and she's my niece.  She's the most lively little girl I ever met.  She's already talking non-stop although no one can understand her.  She is also walking and dancing.  Always smiling and cajoling, much like my mother used to do.  She has very little hands which she is constantly clapping with joy.

I don't know why I thought about hands.  Maybe because they give and say so much even while remaining silent.     

Music and boats...

A boat in Punta del Este, Uruguay

I am very grateful that music exists.  Probably since anyone heard the wind and the sound of the waves for the first time, those sounds and others were the inspiration to create music.  It's also safe to assume that love inspired musicians early on to create something that would express their innermost feelings as they dealt with love in their lives.

Music has a way of stirring my emotions more easily than most artistic endeavors - I am able to appreciate the beauty of a painting or a sculpture but even the most beautiful works of art don't come close to what music makes me feel inside. Music is also evocative, it is able to take you back to memories that were seemingly under lock and key in the archive called "the past".

Last week I went to a live concert with a friend at The Mercury Lounge.  The Mercury Lounge is in the lower east side in New York City.  It's a very cool venue, very unassuming.  It doesn't try to be anything else than what it is - a place for live bands or solo singers to play their music.  Sometimes they are unknown artists and other times they bring very famous artists.  There are very few seats so most people stand in front of the stage for the various concerts which usually last a couple of hours.  The singer was James Vincent McMorrow.  A genius.  I'm buying his music through iTunes before the week is over.  One of the songs was about losing love...somehow, the lyrics and the music brought me back to a relationship I had a few years ago.

Peter and I were in New Zealand, traveling throughout the country and having a great time.  We had been going out for a few months and ours was definitely a relationship based on adventure.  We met in New York at the beginning of the summer and traveled almost every week-end to Cape Cod.  We went to Nantucket and to Martha's Vineyard.  We fell in love with Cape Cod but we weren't necessarily in love with each other. We loved being together but ours was a relationship in progress.

After a few months we decided to go to New Zealand and to Tahiti.  We met in New Zealand - he was assigned there for a few months after the project he ran in New York - and we traveled from Wellington to other towns.  I remember one day we decided to walk an absurd number of miles on a remote beach - I don't recall exactly how many miles we walked but we walked for one entire day.  Our relationship and our lives changed completely after that long walk.

I found out that Peter thought we could have an open relationship while he traveled all over the world on various assignments.  I knew that an open relationship would not be good for me.  I understood then and now that he needed to be free but while I wasn't ready to get engaged I also didn't want to be someone waiting for him to show up in New York as if I represented the next port of call.  I didn't know where our relationship was going  before this trip nor was I pressuring Peter to define it but that walk gave us the time and the space to talk about it.

When I heard James McMorrow sing one of his songs about losing love last night, I saw myself in the beach again, walking endlessly.  No one was in the beach except for Peter and me and maybe one or two other people at times while we kept walking.  It was the end of the fall but it was still a little chilly.  I remember there were reddish cliffs on one side and the endless beach in front of us.  The song brought me back to that moment.  It was a painful and beautiful experience at the same time.

The power of a song.  Brought back bittersweet memories.  Peter called me when he returned to New York a couple of years later but I wasn't interested in rekindling our relationship.  It was over for me.

Songs bring back a lot of memories and stir emotions for me.  Last week, one of James Vincent Morrow's songs was the catalyst for my memories of Peter in New Zealand.  I hope he's doing well and is happy...

Following is one of the two songs that reminded me of Peter,  "If I had a Boat".  Peter is a businessman who loves to sail.  Both the music and the lyrics are beyond beautiful.  All of the songs James Vincent McMorrow's played last week at The Mercury Lounge, were hauntingly beautiful.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH5NAuHjzv8