Integrity

According to some studies out there, moving is supposed to be the most stressful activity one may tackle, other than going through a death in the family.  It's high up in the food chain of situations causing a significant amount of stress.

I started my move a few months ago in various phases.  The first phase consisted of donating or throwing things out depending on their condition, shredding documents that were of no use to me anymore, etc., etc.  A friend told me yesterday she didn't think I had that much stuff to go through but that is because she didn't see the closet space (stuffed with things) I had.  A month before the move I called the movers, started the storage space selection process and focused on the logistics of the move.  The building's staff was incredibly helpful, while they had the right to show my apartment during the last 30 days I was there, they didn't show it to anybody.  Who does that?  Only an amazing set of people.  Everyone in the building was extremely helpful.

I have moved a few times but this was the most painful move of all.  It may have to do with the fact that New York is a vortex of energy and everything and anything is more complicated and hard.  It may also have to do with the overall level of help and support I received from my friends and family in New York.

The first few moves I had were handled by the company I was working for at the time. Some of my friends helped tremendously with the personal things I didn't want the moving company to handle.  I didn't ask for help, my friends offered their help and wouldn't take no for an answer.  In a more recent example, when I moved from California to New York a few years ago, I had three friends that helped me a lot, especially one that made it a point to be present and to offer her help at all times.  Unconditionally.  She was very busy with her life but still made sure she was there for me.  I appreciated it and in the process of moving, we had a lot of fun as well.  So I must say that my experience with moves - particularly my move from California to New York - ranked high as a positive experience.

That is until this move.  I had decided to put things in storage so that I could be free to take a job wherever it appeared without being encumbered by the lease of an apartment and what breaking it would entail.  One friend offered help and I accepted, he was very helpful and I helped him as well by paying him for his time and effort.  My brother offered help for a couple of days and was helpful but in the end it was not a pleasant experience.  He couldn't help reacting to my move in a very negative way.  He tends to do that when his sense of security is threatened by someone that doesn't live in fear. The rest of my friends were busy with their own lives and priorities or traveling out of the country.

In this time frame, my aunt became ill and while it didn't seem she was gravely ill, she died during the last week of the move so she was definitely seriously ill.  I was so busy I couldn't even call her as she was expecting.  The rest of the family was focused on her well-being and I knew that - I should have called her anyway.  Thankfully, I believe that she is more present in my life in spirit than when she was alive but it still weighs on me that I didn't call her.   Those are the things in life - major mistakes one makes - that one has to live with and learn from so that one may give the right priority to choices one makes on a day-to-day basis.  No matter how crazy busy and stressed I was there is no excuse I can come up with for not calling her and giving her moral support.  She needed that support and I should have thought of that instead of selfishly thinking only about myself and my stress.  There is always someone in more need than I am, it's very important to remember that.  So I have no excuse for not calling her and helping her.  None.

I won't go into other details that compounded what was a very difficult situation because I dealt with them separately.  Suffice to say that instead of being in New York for a few more weeks, I had to leave New York to New Jersey first and then to Florida.  Those options appeared miraculously - without me asking for anything - in a timespan of about 24 hours.  It felt - and feels today - as if my angels swooped me up saying, "Don't worry, you are protected, we are here".  That is the only explanation I have about those miracles showing up for me when I was having a hard time thinking straight.

My assessment of the whole situation is that people - and I am included in the definition of "people" - show who they are by how they behave particularly under stressful situations.  It helps to get through confusing situations if one has a bit of empathy (please read my view on it, Empathy on August 4th).  I certainly demonstrated no empathy for my aunt. And, being a highly sensitive person doesn't mean one may forget that others are sensitive as well.  We are all in this together.  Everyone involved learned something from the experience, me included.  Waiting for a train for what seemed hours yesterday, these lyrics from a Beatles' song came to mind:

"And in the end,
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make."

I am proud I followed my intuition and my heart to guide me in what was an incredibly stressful and muddled situation as most moves are...I am also proud I expressed what I thought about how I felt whenever possible which also requires courage.   Most people are uncomfortable and aren't used to others stating how they feel about something and for the most part take that input personally.  Stating how one feels is a personal statement and it has nothing to do with the other person - not everyone understands that fact.  If someone takes how someone else feels personally it's up to that person to learn something about himself/herself in the process.

Courage.  To be who you are and state your truth.  I don't seem to be able to compromise with my truth.  It's not good or bad but it is who I am and it comes at a price.  It also has its own reward.

I'm including something I read years ago when the subject of personal integrity became very important to me:


The Light of Integrity by Heraclitus

“The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the full light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose what you think and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny, it is the light that guides your way.”