No Regrets

No regrets sounds like the title of a movie except that I haven't seen the movie.  I live it.  

I have recently had a chance to review my life because I have made tough and courageous decisions to protect my integrity and to follow my heart.  I know these were the right decisions but in some ways they also brought me to the edge of the abyss.  On one side of the road lie lots of opportunities and on the other one there is a deep hole where I can't even see the ground.  There are a lot of clouds (that's how high in the mountain I am) below me on this side of the road.   On the other side of the road, I don't know whether I'll find the gate of opportunities open although I have been walking for months to find it.

It's been a tough road and a great one at the same time.  A tough road because I have been living in a mix of hard work, hope, and disappointment since I started this trek.   Some people have disappointed me again and again.  Others are consistently amazing and helpful to me.  I keep finding that what prevails in organizations is a general malaise comprised of lack of business ethics and caring about others.  While that is a reality, just like I focus on finding the open gate of opportunities instead of looking at the darkness on the other side of the road,  there are also incredible people in those organizations as well.

I remember coaching someone that worked for me on why disclosing others' personal information gained as a result of work was not acceptable.  I told him that it was a matter of integrity although it seemed that integrity had different definitions in this team that I was not aware of - and his response was focused on yes, there is more than one definition of integrity.  I was being facetious when I said there may be more than one definitions of integrity than what I knew.  I only  have one definition for integrity and I will stick to that.  Integrity to me is consistently being honest and true to yourself and others.  That covers everything.  

I believe it all starts at home.  Kids learn early on what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable.  Lying to your parents or to teachers is not acceptable.  Cheating is not acceptable.  Telling on your friends should not be acceptable unless one finds out they may be planning something destructive.

So while my decisions have always been on the side of my truth and integrity so far the price I have paid has been high.  I would do the same things again because I have to live with myself.

I love living on the edge.  I wonder how many of my decisions are propelled by my need to be a peaceful warrior and also be on the edge.

Let's see how this movie ends...

I Believe

I am not writing in this post about any religious beliefs or any ingrained beliefs about any specific topic.  This post is about how important is to believe in yourself.  Being successful in life requires that you have unwavering belief in who you are and what you are able to do with your life.

How our external life develops is about what we believe about ourselves.  Sometimes we lose hope and perspective even though what carries us through to success are our beliefs.  It is about the level of faith we have in ourselves and a given outcome.  It's similar to what I was saying in Winning, my post of March 29th, only it's harder to identify because it's happening at an unconscious level.  The challenging part is that we are often unaware when our internal tape is saying something different from the life we are trying to build.

So when nothing happens we blame it on everything except with how we may be thinking about ourselves.  Granted, there may be other forces at work.  There may be an astrological issue such as Mercury Retrograde going on or even the fact that not everything we go after is good for us.  Sometimes things not working out as we want them to is a blessing in disguise that we may or may not appreciate after the fact.  However, in some instances, we may be sabotaging ourselves by not projecting the right energy to the universe.

Just to make sure, I am affirming subliminal messages to myself.  I have downloaded an interesting set of affirmations called Stress from Louise Hay (www.louisehay.com) to make sure my mind is aligned with what I want in my life.  I believe in adding to your chances to succeed so for me it's a natural step.  On the other hand, I don't believe in doubting yourself and fortifying that doubt with superstition.  There is a fine line with taking advantage of options that will propel you to success and becoming insecure and seeking every self-help book or tape to help you.

I am sharing it with caution although I know that positive messages would only be helpful.   We deserve to be happy, we deserve the best for ourselves...so let's think that way and open the path for it to happen! 

The Chosen Path

I am a strong believer in therapy.  I went three times to three different therapists for short periods of time.  Therapy wasn't something I needed to do for the rest of my life although I realize there are some extreme situations where people go 2-3 times a week for years.

The value of therapy for me was to be able to talk through what I was experiencing at the time.  The first time I went was because I broke up with someone that I was very close to - breaking up was the only option I had as the guy I was seeing was mostly unavailable both emotionally and physically.  I learned then that I had been attracted to this guy because he reminded me of my father.  I did recognize this was true.

I then went to therapy again when I was working for someone that was mentally ill.  Instead of suggesting that my manager go to therapy - he would have probably fired me - I went to therapy because working for someone that was so out of his mind was extremely hard to deal with on a daily basis.  He would stand outside of my office peering in and would talk for about two hours non-stop.  This was constant.  He had hired me to create a "strategy" and when I joined the team I found out that he had a strategy already.  A very flawed strategy.  As a result of his mental issues he lied about people in his team, including me.  I wasn't able to deal with this situation effectively but therapy helped me realize that I had options.  As incredible as that may sound,  I didn't know I had options.  That in itself was an extremely valuable lesson that I never forgot.  I moved on to another job within the same company where I was extremely successful.

Then I went to therapy a third time when I moved to another state in the U.S.   The whole experience of moving was a very good experience from a personal growth perspective but I did put myself at risk professionally and personally.  While the growth involved was invaluable I do wonder sometimes on the value of being blissfully ignorant.  I was unhappy before I moved but I was also mostly unconscious.

I replaced therapy with yoga.  That may sound unbelievable but it is true.  Being more evolved now than I was before I decided to move from New York  is primarily a result of doing yoga and being very disciplined about my meditations.  I don't miss a day unless something extreme happens and I can't physically do the four meditations I do every day (including the meditation on fear I posted in Uncertainty and Fear on January 24th).  I see the difference in myself so I cannot stop.  I still feel stress and get frustrated but it is probably a fraction of what I would feel if I wasn't meditating.  I am more balanced and certainly more conscious.

Being conscious is tough.  It demands everything from me.  I cannot hide from myself - ever.  It's like being in a war all the time.  The war is with myself.  Even when you do not engage in battle you know there's a war out there.   People and circumstances keep testing me.  The challenging part is that you never really win,  you just advance.  There is no win and there is no final destination.  You do get the insights of how you advance and that's the gift.  That and showing others a different way of looking at their lives.  While I wouldn't advocate the opposite - being unconscious and blissfully ignorant - the chosen path requires both bravery, strength and single-minded focus.  As any warrior would, I sometimes get frustrated and tired of it.

For a few days this week,  I am taking a furlough.  Peace, love and fun.  And sun to warm the body and soul.  And I will keep on doing my meditations...

Transition

I read somewhere that Maria Shriver asked her Twitter followers for ideas on handling a transition or something to that effect.  It's true that being in transition is a very difficult stage.  It's probably similar to being in the water while trying to reach shore after you've fallen from a boat.  The boat probably felt safe.  It's a place you knew and where you presumably felt comfortable before hitting the water.  

All of a sudden you are in the water.  It's cold, there are unknown things brushing against your legs and arms, and minutes seem like days.  You can't tell time other than looking at the sun's progress across the sky.   There are no clues that you are getting closer to the shore other than imaginary sightings of people or land in front of you.  The sun beats mercilessly against your head and your face but you must go on or else there is no hope.  So you continue swimming while you inwardly pray to be rescued because the water is as deep as when you first fell into the water.   There is no indication that it is getting shallow and you are  getting closer to the shore.

As with everything in life there is a  choice.   Letting fear in is one of them.  Swimming and then giving up in the middle due to exhaustion is definitely a possible choice.  Continuing to swim relentlessly is another choice.

The interesting thing about these choices is that the outcome is much clearer for the first two options than for the third one.  The third one definitely has more chance of good possibilities.  With the first two, it is almost certain that one will die from sheer inaction which will result in being eaten by a shark or just suffer from hypoglycemia, heat stroke or whatever other horrible things may happen when you don't do anything in the middle of open seas.

Anything is possible.  Maybe what is brushing against your legs are dolphins or harmless fish.  Maybe shore is only half a mile away and when you have been swimming for five or six hours, that is nothing!  Or what if someone was already looking for you in a helicopter and minutes away from finding you?

So for anyone in transition, keep swimming!  Define the goal first and then go for it.  Go for the possibility of success and never give up on yourself.  Let life play out.  Chances are you will achieve your goals if you keep single-minded focus and faith.

Keep up!

Inspiration

Inspiration comes from all kinds of sources.  If I am meditating, reading, or just paying attention to what is around me  I may be inspired.  I may even have a dream that I remember and that elicits some new thoughts.  Einstein used to compare the process of creating to laying eggs.   Once I am ready, I start laying eggs.  Certainly most mundane activities that would fall in the category of “doing” – with some rare exceptions - get in the way of having the mental space to be inspired.   For the most part, I come up with new ideas when I am in a state of “being”.   Maybe my antennas are better tuned to getting messages from above then, who knows?

One of the areas I am focused on is in creating a company.  The challenge is that I have two ideas for two different companies, one is how to leverage technology that is already developed by a brilliant computer scientist and come up with a future phase for this technology and the other one is an idea that is harder to articulate at this stage.   I need time to ponder about it.   For now, I am just focusing on ideas for only one of the companies.   It’s almost a full time job.  I say almost because I am also looking for a job – another full time job.

I haven’t had the time to think too much – I usually need time by myself to develop ideas.  Not having a lot of time for that frustrates me to no end.  I am usually torn between maintaining strict discipline in carving out time for me to “think” with the million other things I have to get done  (paying bills, reconciling checking and credit card accounts, etc., etc.).  It’s somewhat easier to curtail my social life because I give preference to my close friends and family - when my acquaintances invite me somewhere, I say “no” more easily.

I call it “thinking” time but it’s not so much thinking as letting ideas flow and take shape in my mind.  There is a more fluid and creative wave of energy going on than just using the left side of the brain to think something through. It’s an interesting process because even though it’s natural and it flows, there are stages to it.  It’s hard to analyze, I just know that the pieces of the puzzle come together and the vision emerges.

So that’s the challenge in the next few days.  To make sure I have the time to just “be”.

Who knows what may come out of that?

“Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labour in freedom.”
Albert Einstein

Puzzles of Existence

There is a special love and beauty to the relationship between real friends that is more profound than in most relationships.  In some ways we save each other, we rescue each other along the way.  There is a comfort, an ease with those real friends that is maybe grounded in the knowing that the relationship is  meant to be.   With some friends, it seems that we have known each other forever.  Who knows what was at play when we met?  Is it a soul we made a contract with ahead of coming to this earth to accompany us in this lifetime?  How did we find each other?  How did we get so lucky?

Apparently, there are two questions that souls are asked in Egyptian mythology ahead of entering heaven:  first, did you have joy in your life; second, did you give joy to others?  My answer to the first question would be that yes, I did have joy in my life and to the second question, I would also answer yes.  I believe I have given joy to others.  Certainly not to everybody but I believe I have given joy to some of my colleagues, friends, and family.

It would be good if what people remember about me is how I made them laugh and enjoy a light moment or how I made them think in a different way about themselves and their lives.  That's important to me.  In the end, I will be completely forgotten once I die and my family and friends join me in the other side.  There is no immortality in the true sense of the word on earth.  Not in words that are left behind or in statues built for posterity or in successful projects that last decades.  After time goes by, our names are only names that have no meaning.  What we leave behind is a feeling in those that love us that there is eternal love and that we existed and they knew us and our essence at some point.  It is in the memory of others' hearts that we exist until those people don't exist anymore.

I know we exist in spirit forever.  It's just a different phase of our existence. There is definitely immortality of our soul and spirit.  That's a wonderful thing to know.

It would be nice to figure it all out, wouldn't it?  I have a feeling it will all make sense one day, either here on earth or somewhere else.

Sometimes I get glimpses of perfect order in the universe - I am eager to figure it all out.    

“There is a point where in the mystery of existence contradictions meet; where movement is not all movement and stillness is not all stillness; where the idea and the form, the within and the without, are united; where infinite becomes finite, yet not”
 Rabindranath Tagore





   

Nobu Tribeca and Kokoro

Last week I was at Nobu for lunch.  Last time I was there was about two years ago.

I am writing with unabashed admiration for the culinary experience I had but I am not as enthusiastic about the decor at Nobu Tribeca.  Nobu is owned by Drew Nieporent, Robert de Niro and Nobu Matsuhisa, the renowned chef.  I know it's a David Rockwell designed restaurant and as the website describes, it "evokes the beauty of the Japanese countryside with its natural textures, birch trees, wood floors and a wall made of river stones".  As I walked to the main dining room,  I remembered the intention behind the design but thought that, at least during the day, it's a little too plain for me.  I have sat both at the dining room to the right of the entrance as well as at the main dining room next to the bar. The main dining room has a bit more ambiance.  Despite the wood that is all over the restaurant, it's not a warm place although it looks warmer at night than during the day. It's too industrial if that description makes any sense at all. The few times I have been there I have not used the restroom although I understand that the restroom is quite unique.

What the decor lacks -at least to my taste - is more than compensated by the amazing food.  We started with a very unusual and delicious martini made with peach and pineapple called the Pineapple Martini, followed by a light white wine.  We had a tuna timbale with caviar (mildly spicy), followed by the tiradito (a Peruvian fish dish from Nobu Matsuhisa's years there, mildly spicy), rock shrimp tempura with ponzu sauce (made with a very light batter), black cod with miso (so fresh!) , and sushi.  Each piece of sushi was sublime - especially the toro.  It felt that the fish had just been picked from the sea.  The service was very good.  It was friendly, efficient and informal without being informal.

The ambiance is casual and, as usual, Nobu was full.  Mostly businessmen.  We were struck by the preponderance of men versus women in the restaurant.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience.  As I walked out of the restaurant, I felt a warmth in the restaurant I hadn't felt before.  What warmed the room considerably was sharing a fantastic lunch with some members of my family.   Those moments are indelibly etched on my mind.  As Nobu Matsuhisa states in his website (www.nobumatsuhisa), he cooks with his heart (kokoro in Japanese) and although he probably doesn't cook at every one of his restaurants, that intention was infused in the food I ate that day.   The special people I was with and the delicious meal definitely touched my heart.  

Justice?

Scene in front of ground zero today as a result of bin Laden's death. There are thousands of people and countless media trucks to report on the events of the day.   I saw many people with American flags.  

I had a dinner party last night and was unaware that Osama bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan last night.  I heard what President Obama said and the initial reaction from some of the top newspapers in New York this morning.

While I thought that President Obama's speech was very comprehensive and good, I disagree with his statement that by killing Osama bin Laden justice has been done.  First, I don't know what justice means in most contexts as justice executed by humans is flawed.  I have rarely - if ever - seen it at work in the world as I know it.   I also don't know how one achieves justice to avenge the killing of thousands of people in New York and all over the world.  I have a problem with two words "justice" and "avenge" because there is no possible way to bring justice to bear and to avenge heinous acts against anybody implies engaging in violence.  I strongly believe in accountability but I abhor violence. As Mohandas Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind".

I was living in California on September 11th.  I was supposed to travel the next day to New York on business.  After the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers, all flights were cancelled. I flew to New York on the first flight authorized to fly to New York on the following Saturday.  I immediately went downtown to visit a friend that lives blocks away from ground zero. What was most shocking was to see the flames and smoke (visible from 30 blocks north of ground zero) visible from 30 blocks north of downtown.  Also very disturbing is that when I got to Soho to walk over to my friend's house, I was swallowing and breathing grainy particles, and smoke that was still in the air 5 days after the attack.  This junk quickly got into my lungs and it made it difficult to breathe.  I  remember the restaurants in Soho were offering a class of free champagne to everyone as a way to assuage people's feeling of loss, grief,  and depression - this feeling lasted for a very long time.  While people have bounced back and reconstituted their spirits, the devastation and sorrow of  9/11 is still in the cellular memory of all New Yorkers.  It has affected all Americans and most people who believe in peace, freedom, and love in the world.

As a New Yorker, the killing of one man, no matter how evil his acts cannot bring justice as I understand justice to be.  It does feel very good that he cannot do it to anyone else anymore, in that sense it is a wonderful thing.  I can't help but think about his family and loved ones.  Is it heresy to feel compassion for what they feel for the loss of such a lost soul?   Even the family members in Saudi Arabia who renounced him after 9/11 must be feeling the pain - including his mother.

Attempting to avenge the loss of so many lives and the brutal blow at so many levels to the families and friends is an impossible act. There is no equal "tit for tat" here.  How do you measure retribution for so much pain and suffering?  Even if the same number of terrorists were killed by the U.S. or anti-terrorist forces in other countries, that would not heal the deep wound that already took place as a result of families and friends being devastated at losing loved ones.  The dead will not be brought back and the pain remains.  However, if the friends and family of the victims of terrorist attacks feel that justice has been done, so much the better. I have heard some family members of 9/11 victims state that they feel better about what happened now that Osama bin Laden has been killed, that it has brought closure and a sense of relief to them. I am very glad for that.  Any healing that may take place is a very good thing.

I didn't have a relative or friend in 9/11 although as a New Yorker, I took the attack as a personal attack to a place I call home.  The violence and complete disregard for human lives and suffering that bin Laden and his team of terrorists executed was extreme and horrific.

If I think about those that hurt me at a very personal level in my professional life, I wouldn't feel vindicated if I knew that they were hurt in the same way or worse.  I recently learned that two of them were asked to leave the company where I worked.  One of them was insane and the other one abused his power repeatedly not only in my detriment but also hurt others.  These news made me feel glad.  But justice was not done.  Nothing can compensate for what I and others went through.

What the death of Osama bin Laden hopefully does is curtail additional heinous attacks against innocent people all over the world.  That is the one very valuable thing - other than hopefully bringing family and friends of victims to closure - that may result from his death.  In the context of protecting the world against further violence and senseless suffering it may be helpful.  But, who knows, it may bring about additional violent attacks against civilians as a way to retaliate against the U.S. and its allies.

Which is the problem I have with wars in general.  I don't know who wins what and for how long. And, at what human cost?  I wonder what would happen if we put the same level of energy and resources to peace efforts.

I also believe in divine justice.  As President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Presidents do make mistakes, but the immortal Dante tells us that divine justice weighs the sins of the cold-blooded and the sins of the warm-hearted in different scales”.  That applies to all of us.