Freedom

I invited some close friends for dinner last night.  One of them shared his pleasure at seeing someone that had treated him badly finally get what was due to him which brought back to my mind a topic I have thought about for a while.  I should add that I don’t judge my friend – or anyone for that matter – for being forgiving or not.  We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to deal with being treated poorly, being betrayed, etc.

In my case, there have been a few situations during my career where I have been deeply wounded by people who set out to harm me for no apparent reason than to protect themselves from the imaginary threat that my competence in the face of their incompetence and insecurities represented.  This sounds unbelievable but it is true.  Before I tell my story, I should add that the majority of the people I worked with are extraordinary people most of whom I still communicate with – our relationship was based then and now on mutual respect and trust.

Back to the evil people.  Each situation was different but what these people had in common was lack of humanity and in one case the person involved was also cruel.  At least one of the people had a recognized personality disorder (by others) and two other people also suffered from deep insecurities.  All were able to lie and act in a cowardly fashion to achieve their goals.  It’s scary to think that there are people like that everywhere.

While these were isolated bad experiences I had countless positive experiences where I was recognized and valued for my work but the bad experiences left a mark in my heart and soul.  I took for granted the good experiences because I didn’t know the other side existed.  Unfortunately I learned more about myself and life by going through the bad experiences than with the good ones.  I say unfortunately because I don’t believe one should go through hell to learn valuable things in life.  There has to be a better way.

At first, I didn’t understand it and felt maybe it was something I had done until I realized that all I had done is do what I had done repeatedly until then – an impressive body of work.  What I certainly hadn’t done then nor do now was to pretend and fake admiration and awe towards other people as a way to protect myself professionally.  It’s not in my DNA to be duplicitous and work at getting on someone’s good side to get any benefit in return.

As history has shown again and again, there is evil in the world yet I still find it incomprehensible how people can knowingly harm others.   I realize it happens all the time – inside and outside the workplace - and I still don’t’ understand it.  Whether it’s caused by genes, the environment, mental illness…I don’t know what the root cause is, but it can be very destructive. I have not tolerated that behavior within my own teams.

In my case, since my career and my earnings were affected, the experience was personal. Answering the question that Einstein posed whether the world is a friendly or unfriendly place, I would answer mostly friendly and sometimes hostile.  Rather than live in fear of others, I have chosen to always speak up.  I used to do it when I felt my parents were being too harsh with my younger brothers as I was growing up and I do it today to stand up for others or for myself whenever it is necessary.  I speak my truth.  That for me sets the stage to have a dialogue to hopefully arrive at a place of harmony and compromise to ensure everyone’s wellbeing.  If that’s not welcomed, I stand my ground no matter the consequences because I don’t compromise my integrity.

While I haven’t figured out the root of others’ evil behavior – nor have put too much energy on that since they can figure it out with their shrinks - I have put a significant amount of thought into what forgiveness means to me.  I don’t want to carry the burden of anger, hate, and revenge in my heart because to me, that makes me closer to them than to who I aspire to be at all times – a caring human being.

I read these thoughts a while ago (I lost the source and I am paraphrasing from the blogosphere) and they helped me to get closer to a sense of forgiveness towards the people that caused me harm and pain:

At a conference with the Dalai Lama, someone asked him:  “in practicing non-violence, how do you deal with someone that is trying to harm you or acting negatively towards you?."

The Dalai Lama replied that one has to separate the action from the actor.  One must defend oneself from the action but not lose the compassionate regard for the person carrying out the action.

In a related story, the Dalai Lama granted an audience to a Tibetan monk that had been imprisoned and tortured for many years and finally made it to India.  The Dalai Lama asked him:  “What was your greatest challenge while you were imprisoned?”.  The old monk replied:  “I was afraid I would lose my compassion and love toward my captors”.

It’s going to take me a while to love the people that harmed me but I  reached a place of compassion sometime ago.

I admire people like the monk in the story and countless others that suffered in the hands of others.  Mandela is another hero to me as when he came out of his 27 years of jail time he said to himself (as he told Bill Clinton) regarding the hate he was feeling:  “They have had you 27 years, if you hate them they will still have you.  I wanted to be free so I let it go.”

While my situation does not compare to years of being imprisoned or tortured, I have learned to forgive.   I have peace in my heart and soul because whatever others attempted to do to me, I am still the person I always was while they have to carry the burden of their anger, hate, insecurities and their actions.   I am free from all of that.

As Mandela said, “A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination".