"Friendships"

Someone I have known for about 6 months sent me an email that was very formal and structured last week.   Bob included the name of a business contact – I had recently told him I was focused on building my network in New York – and a request at the end of the email for me to refer his services to other people.  When we initially met at a party months ago, he asked for my e-mail address and he made the initial contact.  We met a few times over a few months to talk about our mutual projects and I thought a friendship was developing.  I was even planning to introduce him to some of my friends which I haven't been able to do because of scheduling issues.

I tend to think of people I meet as potential friends.   If there is enough intellectual and personal chemistry between us, it usually develops into something more than an impersonal relationship.  In this case, even after meeting a few times, my relationship with Bob seems not be anything more than an interest on his part to get referrals from me for his business.   Yes, as Aristotle sagely described (link at the bottom of the post), there are various types of “friendships” that emerge from different motivations but I thought there was more depth to this person than wanting to just spend time with me for referrals.  That says a lot about him and also about me because I didn’t detect until now that the interest may not be about me as a person but that it was more about me as a “contact”.  

I have business global experience and have had the opportunity to work with other cultures.  Somehow it seems that in some cities in the U.S. - particularly in Los Angeles in the context of the film industry and in New York in the context of business in general whether it be the financial services industry or any other – there is a greater concentration of people that misinterpret what building a network is all about.  It certainly is not just about connecting people for no reason – it is about connecting people because they may have something in common and building relationships based on shared values, interests, and goals.  That is how these relationships will be long-lasting.

In fact, there is a very good friend of mine visiting New York this week with his family.  I met him a few years ago when I was putting together a large and complex proposal for him and his partners.  Even though our business relationship ended once the contract was signed and deployed, we respected and liked each other enough that we became life-long friends.  A friendship that expanded to include members of his family.  That is not what I expect to build with everyone I meet but when it happens, it is very fulfilling.

I value my time.  While I haven’t spent too much time with Bob, seems I still spent too much time on something that has yielded something that has no value to me.  So far it has resulted in an impersonal relationship.  I am interested in building my network but I want to do it not only because once I meet more people with similar interests we can potentially help each other but mainly because we share interests and values.  That seems to be much more interesting and fun than just using each other.  As Aristotle said, “what comes of utility is quite accidental”.

 I am open to be surprised and find out I am wrong in my assessment of Bob’s intentions – he just may be equating the way he adds “friends” to his Facebook or LinkedIn pages to how he connects people outside his virtual social networks.  He may still value me as a person despite the signs that are making me doubt his intentions - the jury is out on the final verdict.  In the end he may be found guilty of gross miscommunication.

Didn’t I say it’s a jungle out there?


(For more on Aristotle's views on Friendships:  www.publicbookshelf.com/public.../aristotle_bdd.html)