Around the corner

The one thing that is certain about life - other than the fact that our physical bodies have a limited life span - is that there are always surprises around the corner.  Yes, it's true that all kind of surprises may take place and some we could do without, but I choose to focus on the great and amazing things about to surface in my life.  The best part is that those incredible surprises - which sometimes seem miraculous - may happen at any time and for no apparent reason.  These surprises are also not limited by my imagination which seems limitless but is sometimes constrained by what I believe is possible.  Which is why pessimistic thoughts that our lives are doomed is only self-destructive and gets us stuck for a longer time in a hole that is not even a deep hole to step out of if we choose to do so.  No one's life is doomed to anything, we all have opportunities to reach our goals and dreams.

It's hard to believe in that sometimes when I get either anxious or caught up in doing things versus "being" and flowing with life.  It's important to be pragmatic and take care of things - especially those with a deadline - but at the same time I need time to reflect and be with myself.  That reminds me that I am a spiritual being in a human body.  It also helps me to be open to everything and to look forward to whatever fills my heart and soul.

I don't have to balance what I see as having an optimistic perspective of life with the realities of life because I have my share of reality already.  I choose to deal with those challenging realities in a way that propels me to what's great in life.  I live a privileged life as there is a long list of things I am grateful to have.  I am actively pursuing the rest of what I want in my life.

It's out there.  It's coming.  I'm ready.

"Friendships"

Someone I have known for about 6 months sent me an email that was very formal and structured last week.   Bob included the name of a business contact – I had recently told him I was focused on building my network in New York – and a request at the end of the email for me to refer his services to other people.  When we initially met at a party months ago, he asked for my e-mail address and he made the initial contact.  We met a few times over a few months to talk about our mutual projects and I thought a friendship was developing.  I was even planning to introduce him to some of my friends which I haven't been able to do because of scheduling issues.

I tend to think of people I meet as potential friends.   If there is enough intellectual and personal chemistry between us, it usually develops into something more than an impersonal relationship.  In this case, even after meeting a few times, my relationship with Bob seems not be anything more than an interest on his part to get referrals from me for his business.   Yes, as Aristotle sagely described (link at the bottom of the post), there are various types of “friendships” that emerge from different motivations but I thought there was more depth to this person than wanting to just spend time with me for referrals.  That says a lot about him and also about me because I didn’t detect until now that the interest may not be about me as a person but that it was more about me as a “contact”.  

I have business global experience and have had the opportunity to work with other cultures.  Somehow it seems that in some cities in the U.S. - particularly in Los Angeles in the context of the film industry and in New York in the context of business in general whether it be the financial services industry or any other – there is a greater concentration of people that misinterpret what building a network is all about.  It certainly is not just about connecting people for no reason – it is about connecting people because they may have something in common and building relationships based on shared values, interests, and goals.  That is how these relationships will be long-lasting.

In fact, there is a very good friend of mine visiting New York this week with his family.  I met him a few years ago when I was putting together a large and complex proposal for him and his partners.  Even though our business relationship ended once the contract was signed and deployed, we respected and liked each other enough that we became life-long friends.  A friendship that expanded to include members of his family.  That is not what I expect to build with everyone I meet but when it happens, it is very fulfilling.

I value my time.  While I haven’t spent too much time with Bob, seems I still spent too much time on something that has yielded something that has no value to me.  So far it has resulted in an impersonal relationship.  I am interested in building my network but I want to do it not only because once I meet more people with similar interests we can potentially help each other but mainly because we share interests and values.  That seems to be much more interesting and fun than just using each other.  As Aristotle said, “what comes of utility is quite accidental”.

 I am open to be surprised and find out I am wrong in my assessment of Bob’s intentions – he just may be equating the way he adds “friends” to his Facebook or LinkedIn pages to how he connects people outside his virtual social networks.  He may still value me as a person despite the signs that are making me doubt his intentions - the jury is out on the final verdict.  In the end he may be found guilty of gross miscommunication.

Didn’t I say it’s a jungle out there?


(For more on Aristotle's views on Friendships:  www.publicbookshelf.com/public.../aristotle_bdd.html)

Knowing what you want

Relationships are more art than science.  No one really knows how to make them consistently successful, and I include myself in the pack.  It's akin to venturing into a jungle with no map and no compass other than the sun and the stars (if you can see through the trees). And, like poisonous plants in the jungle, they can be very painful if you take the wrong path.

I sometimes hear my friends struggle with relationships and I usually ask:  what do you want? I am not an expert by any means - I struggle like everyone else - but that is a central question to answer.  

If you know what you want, it is much easier because you know what you will not stand for no matter the circumstances and what you are willing to compromise on depending on the circumstances.  If you are in a relationship and you communicate what you want it sets the stage for a real relationship. If you don't know what you want, you'll fall into the river in the middle of the jungle and it will be murky waters all the way to the bitter end.

This applies to friendships or romantic relationships.  A way to start defining what you want is thinking about what you don't want and from there you get to what you want.  If you don't want someone you are seeing to flirt with other women or men, tell him or her.  He or she is not going to guess you care about it.  No judgment on my part whether that is an important factor in a relationship or not.  If it is important to you, it's important.  If you have a friend - man or woman - that is consistently late when you agree to meet at a certain time, you decide how important that is.  If it's important, you must communicate it.  Otherwise it will gnaw at you every time it happens and you only have to take responsibility for that.

How to communicate what is important to you is critical.  It's not about making demands or setting ultimatums but rather about sharing what is important to you.  Suggest that whatever you communicate has to be centered on you, not on the other person:  describe how a certain behavior makes you feel (yes, feel!) and because of that you need the behavior to change (you are not accusing the other person of misbehaving, it's a less threatening way of communicating because you are talking about the behavior, not the person).  That way the burden of taking responsibility for the behavior belongs to the other person, if the person doesn't change the behavior (maybe s/he cannot change) you have your answer.  That's the time to make a decision.  Are you willing to lose the person because this is truly important to you?  Or because you place so much value in having the person in your life - maybe more value than you give to you? - you will compromise what's important to you?  It's answering these questions that causes pain because there usually is no good answer, especially once you are emotionally involved with the other person.  I submit it's more painful down the road when your legs are all itchy and raw because of those poisonous plants you found when you took a given path.

We get emotionally invested in the other person for a variety of reasons, sometimes the person fills some void in our lives. That's probably not conducive to a long-lasting relationship.  Whether it's with a friend or someone you are romantically involved, we all have different backgrounds, cultures, agendas, insecurities, etc.  We also carry the baggage of our ancestors, of our parents' relationship, of our own past relationships, etc.  Starting a relationship by being honest about who you are and what is important to you is a key step in having a good relationship for however long it lasts.  And, people have limitations.  You have limitations and the other person has them.  What limitations you are willing to live with is a way to understand what you ultimately want.

After making my own set of wrong turns (I still struggle sometimes), for the most part I make choices I am very proud of to not compromise who I am when the stakes are high.   If it's unimportant stuff to me, I can certainly compromise.  I see a lot of people around me with confused relationships, that's not for me because  I am very protective of my time.  Why waste it?  It's also generally true that if the relationship requires a lot of work at the beginning, it also will not work out in the end.  People don't change much along the way.  They present themselves exactly how they are, we just don't want to see it and we hope we can change them.  With friends, I communicate what is important to me and when the other person doesn't seem to care, it's okay.  It informs me about the kind of friendship we have.  It takes a lot of energy to have good, quality, friendships and those that don't fall into that special category are friendly acquaintances to me.  They may still be in my life but in a different category :).

It's a jungle out there.  But if you know who you are and what you want, you can stand strong and find the path to great relationships.

Simple things

Some days are easier to look forward to because they have obvious elements of happiness:  being with friends, going to a concert, eating at a favorite restaurant, etc.  However, today was a good example where I had nothing particularly exciting planned, it was just an ordinary day...

While I would prefer to be in my cozy habitat all day in the middle of a snowstorm, there is nothing like having to get a physical and picking up shoes at Jim's on 59th Street while slipping and sliding to bring reality in.  Still inspired though because the constant interruption by what's real and what is in the now is actually very instructive.  If we pay attention and are conscious we are constantly getting messages from what surrounds us.

As I was on my way to the doctor in a bus, the handicap contraption stopped working after an older lady in a wheelchair got in.  While she was getting on - since it takes a few minutes - I was thinking how much I admired her, going around in a wheelchair  all over New York by herself and I was also thinking that we don't know how we will measure up to all the various tests in life.  I never think I can step up to any tragedy or unfortunate event in life but then I am reminded - mostly by others - that when it's necessary I do it and I do it well.   Maybe I don't think I can deal with anything that's heavy duty because I still have vestiges of the very pampered little girl I was some years ago.  The lady in the wheelchair obviously stepped up to her reality - at least on the surface - because she seemed completely comfortable, cracking jokes with the bus driver while zipping in the bus in her red motorized wheelchair and into the blue handicapped section.

Whenever I see anyone on a wheelchair I think about my mother.  Even though she adapted to it and mostly mastered it, she struggled through the whole process of being ill and being in a wheelchair.  My mother loved to dance and move around.  She was very gregarious, incredibly smart and witty, and had a tremendous amount of energy.  She had an indomitable spirit and was very strong throughout her relatively short illness but she could no longer dance nor move comfortably.  She was like a beautiful bird that was just put in a cage, shocked by the experience and trying to get out.

Maybe that's why I will break out in a dance in a supermarket, in the street or anywhere the spirit moves me for that matter.  I can also start singing at the sound of music just as easily as some of my friends may attest!  I was recently asked to return to a store the following day to sing while a Freddie Mercury CD was playing.  Funny.

Back to the bus.  Once the handicap contraption stops working, it takes the bus driver 15 minutes to get it working again.  That is a long time when you are trying to make it on time to a doctor's appointment with only a 15-minute buffer but decided to go with the flow and not get impatient.  A girl started complaining and cursing and was obviously upset.  Why get upset?  At whom?  At the bus driver?  At the bus manufacturer?  At choosing this bus instead of another?  At the lady in the wheelchair?  At God?

There are many instances in life where blaming someone or something is easier than accepting what is happening for what it is.  I am guilty of that just like anyone else but try to be conscious about it so that I don't fall prey to it as often as in the past. I go through a process of asking myself how getting upset will solve the situation and go from there.  When my emotions get the best of me I turn into a journalist, I attempt and mostly succeed at looking at the situation as a reporter so that I can report on what is going on by looking at it in a more detached way.

After the bus got fixed, I get to the doctor on time and as part of the physical, a male nurse that was giving me a flu vaccine and that I never met before asks me why I am not married, that I should be married.  I was wondering if he was flirting with me or whether he felt all women should be married or what.  My reply that I preferred to have a boyfriend than a husband made him laugh.  He then said "You know you are beautiful, don't you?  You could be married."  Now I thought he was definitely flirting.  I told him I liked things simple and being single was simpler than being married as that complicated matters significantly which made him laugh even more.  He also asked me what would I say if someone asked me to be married.  I told him that my response would be "Please don't do me any favors" - we both laughed at that.

That simple interaction about nonsense added light and warmth to a very cold day.  Later, more simple things like having french onion soup in a charming french cafe, seeing the beautiful white snowflakes against the dark bark of the trees, and admiring the colorful spring clothes already in the store windows were all that was necessary to make today another great day in New York.  

Being open

One of the most inspiring people I had the fortune to come across is Joseph Campbell.   He wrote seminal books on the connection and power of myths in our daily lives and culture and also communicated his extensive knowledge and wisdom through many televised lectures (if you don't know about it, you may find more about his thoughts at The Joseph Campbell Foundation, at http://www.jcf.org/new/index.php).  Here is a quote from him:

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I have been thinking about this topic quite a bit.  It is about being open to anything in life which sometimes is very challenging.  Sometimes we get caught up in the "better the devil we know" syndrome than venturing into the unknown.  I have come to the conclusion that there is much, much, more to gain from embracing and anticipating the unknown with excitement.  Yes, sometimes staying in bed all day seems a very attractive proposition, not having to face the world and its complexity.

However, making life an adventure is what allows us to experience it fully and grow.  I spent several years in one of the premier global companies with headquarters in New York.  It had the most inspiring set of principles as its guiding banner which most employees adhered to for several decades.  The majority of my colleagues were admirable, very smart, competent, honest and straightforward.  I met some of my dearest friends there with whom I am still in touch. I left this company for a few reasons beyond my control - which included helping a family member with a terminal illness - and I was forced to face the world in a new way.  I also was "helped"out of the company by someone that had a personal agenda, someone that unfortunately felt threatened by other people's abilities and competence but that's another post.

Since then, I have had professional success but most importantly, I expanded who I was to be a more courageous, compassionate, humble, understanding human being...a much better person although I am still working on myself.  I have gained immensely as a person although I still miss this amazing company and the people in it.  In fact, it is one of the companies where I would like to work for next although I am ready and open for anything new as well.

There is a brave new world out there and I am looking forward for it to reveal itself to me!

Uncertainty and Fear

Whenever I feel even slight fear of the future it is because I don't know what's coming in the next few months.  I lose sight of living in the present and negative thoughts take over.  I also stop believing in myself and in my ability to conquer all.  This happens to most of us and in these challenging times, some us may have lost financial security temporarily or our personal relationships are not working out or we are confronting something that shakes our sense of well-being and security.

There are a few strategies I am following to maintain optimism and belief in myself in light of these challenging times (listed in no specific order of importance):

1.  Consistent yoga practice.  I do the kriyas  (postures), chant and listen to mantras as well as meditate every morning.  I have been doing meditations for 45 minutes every day for years now.  The experience of this practice has expanded my awareness of myself and my world (I am including the 3-minute meditation I do to deal with fear at the bottom of this post).  Yoga and/or whatever spiritual beliefs one holds, is helpful.

2.  Believe what helps me.  While I rigorously read the news (paper and on-line), I don't necessarily believe everything I read.  There is too much gloom and doom in many of the business and economic news that I choose not to believe.  Also, I only believe comments from well-meaning friends or family that resonate with who I am.  Maintaining integrity of who I am is fundamental to me so I use my personal sieve to separate what I choose to listen to and what I must discard.

3.  Living in the present.  I make plans for today and I'm proactive not because I can control anything (I can't) but because the focus is on the immediate and it's productive.  I feel a sense of accomplishment because I can get things done today and see the results whether it's because I applied for 5 job postings today and spoke to three people or whatever metrics represent results to me.  All the mundane, time-sensitive aspects of life must still be focused on even while living in the present.

4.  When I screw up, I forgive myself.  I focus on learning from it and doing better but I try not to beat myself up over anything.  Learning about myself is the gift.

5.  Go with the flow of life.  Somehow life has its own rhythm and timing for everything.  When I recognize what that flow is, it makes my life much easier because I am not resisting something or persisting towards something which may be the wrong thing for me.

6.  Switch perspective.  Sometimes I realize my thoughts are not leading me to the right path, I'm not making any progress and I feel stuck.  So I work at cranking an imaginary mental switch in a different direction so that I can take a new look at the same issue and get to a different answer.

7.  Care about myself.  This is in every regard.  Whether it is working out, eating well, expecting respect from others and expressing myself in a positive way when that is not happening, establishing relationship boundaries, etc.

8.  Care about others.  Focus on being kind to others whenever possible which includes those close to me or even just smiling to a complete stranger.  It makes life cozier and warmer for everybody.

9.  Be grateful.  I have so much to be grateful for and focus on that as much as possible so that I don't get caught up in feeling sorry for myself when things are not working out.  This is a tough one.

I change every day - as I evolve this list may be refined and expanded.  Today, this is my list.  I am still working on mastering some items on the list :).

——

For Fear

Sit in easy pose (legs crossed) and grasp the Sun (ring) finger of the left hand with all the fingers of the right hand.  The thumb of the left hand goes under the right hand.
Chant repeatedly:   Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung
 (3 Minutes uninterrupted for 40 days to see the difference, you may continue for months or years)

First of many...

I am starting to post some thoughts about my life mainly to inspire myself.  If it inspires others in the process, so much the better.

I am creating the blog as a companion to what is a challenging process:  life.  After four years of struggling to achieve a professional goal and finally reaching it, one of my spiritual mentors reminded me that I had not arrived anywhere, that I had not reached my destination as life with all its challenges and miracles still needed to play out.  That applies to any goal - personal or professional - that one reaches. We never arrive anywhere since we then move on to the next challenge, the next opportunity...which is why savoring being in the present to enjoy that unique feeling of being successful in that instant is so important.

And...here I am.  Back home in New York with all its possibilities and its beauty.  I am very happy to be back in a city that has its own vortex and where there is order in the midst of total chaos.  I have so many homes, yet this is a special one because all members of my family lived here while I was growing up, now I am the only one left.  Everyone else in my family is in some other city.  Also it's a place where I can be and do what I want within the construct of respect towards myself and others.  I feel free as well as closer to being able to achieve my potential because of all the challenges inherent in a big city like New York.

One of my most pressing challenges this month - will write about others in future posts - is finding the right job.  I am looking for a job where I may integrate my many skills and contribute in a significant way to the company I work for, to my team, to my peers, and ideally, to society at large.  And, of course, where I am compensated for that contribution not only monetarily but by being surrounded by people that think big and can recognize the value of the vision. That would be the ideal job.  I know there is such a job and I know I will find it.

I have applied to job postings in areas that I am passionate about which is all about creating and inventing the new and making it real.  I am good at imagining the future while taking care of those pesky little details required to create the future today.

Finding a job is one of a few challenges I am facing and one that that keeps me very busy...

This ride called life continues...it is a fun and very interesting ride!